annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- day 26 Mostly on the motorway today, or felt like it. Went to collect Grandson who'd been at his dad's, meeting at them one of the services on the M25 (London orbital motorway), a road I've been pleased not to travel on since moving Sam down to live near me. It was lashing down with rain, there were... fuck, I just remembered I drove Son home a few weeks ago via the M25 and it was pissing down with rain then as well - how do I manage to erase things from my mind like that? I drove two hours each way, all the time thinking I hadn't done this since 2016, when it was just this last November. Fuck. Son came with me today, just to get out of the house and not be stuck at home with Bloke, but we bickered a bit then he lost his temper and shouted and I cried, then he had some food and apologised and I did too, then Grandson turned up with his dad and we got back in the car and drove home again, through sunshine for a bit, but back into dark cloudy skies and heavy rain for the last ten miles. I remember that before, when I used to drive up and down to visit Sam in the first care home I used to cry most of the way, both ways. On the way up I was full of fury and despair, crying angry tears, as I didn't want to visit this version of my daughter, I wanted my Mrs Gobby back, and the traffic was always bad and I was tired and I didn't want anything to do with any of it. Then, on the way back, I was crying for her, for the life she'd lost, for having to say goodbye and leave her, with people I didn't trust to care for her properly, for Grandson, not having a mum to look after him and love him. Today it was great to give him a lift and spend some time with him. He's a good lad. So that's Boxing Day done and tomorrow I see my counsellor - he's a good bloke - he suggested quite politely that maybe I'd benefit from seeing him between Christmas and the New Year and he might be right. Today I am grateful for: the family I have - my Son and Daughter and Grandson and my little dog and for having had my lovely Sam for 41 years which is better than not having had her at all. Night night
12:18 a.m. - 27.12.19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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