annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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On and on we go

It's coming at me from both ends right now, death is. Or talking about it, thinking about it, preparing for it. I've found a thing called the griefcast - a podcast where a comedian, Cariad Lloyd, interviews people about losses they have suffered, about griefs they have known. I've listened to a few over the months since my brother died, finding great solace in listening to others talk. It's one thing to know that everyone goes through this, but another to feel it, to think yes, that's how it is for me too. A recent one was with someone whose mother died when she was seven and referred to an earlier episode with an actor whose mother died when she was a year old. Like me. I don't expect anyone reading will want to listen to it, but here's the link in case you do:

https://www.acast.com/griefcast/ep.7bethrylance

So many similarities - differences too, of course, but fuck.

And the griefcast twitter feed gave a link and a bit of chat about an end of life doula - a person whose job it is to ease transit out of this life, just as a birthing doula eases transit into it. I checked out their page and they support family members too. You had to write a message in a box and they said they'd get back to you "quickly". I wrote fucking pages, then deleted it, then did it again, with different bits, and again. In the end I think I put "It's my daughter who's dying. This is my phone number" pressed send and went to bed.

They called me at eight the next morning, woke me up. A fantastic woman. I had been floundering about, so distressed and unstable and not knowing how I was going to keep going, but just talking to her for half an hour and her saying she'd make contact with the local person and arrange for a face to face immediately made me feel so much steadier. I'm meeting her tomorrow.

So I ought to go to bed now, as it's gone 1 am. Again.

I am grateful for: time with my friend M today; care home staff who love my daughter; the internet and social media bringing real people into my life; having Grandson and his girlfriend round for Sunday roast dinner tonight and it all being easy and relaxed; finally seeing the fantastic Swan Lake that I bought tickets for in January!!!

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChOnhxe-Vm0&w=560&h=315]

1:24 a.m. - 10.12.18

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