annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Come home

You can't help hoping that this could be one of those 'long weeks in politics' that ends with some big resignations - more than just one woman. I do try not to hope, but it slides past me sometimes.

I actually bought some Christmas presents today. I saw some Venezuelan chocolate so got a bar each for the kids. I hope it's nice - when we were out there the only chocolate we had was horrible - I got no sense of it being something they produced and exported, but I guess we'll wait and see. Also got a beginner's vegan cookbook for Grandson's GF. She knows nothing about cooking and is vegan - a tricky combination as the vegan cookbooks seem to assume you're a competent adult cook who either has a vegan child or are making a change and you know the basics. I hope this one's OK. The woman in the shop was very helpful - I didn't like to tell her the girl is vegan but doesn't eat vegetables. That's a step too far for many of us. And no, she's not in good health.

The tricky thing in December is remembering that I'm not just a miserable old bint, but a mother whose daughter is gone and that although I muddle along most of the time, I can do without the exhortation to have a 'happy' Christmas. It feels like a hurdle to be climbed over, an ordeal to get through. Though the chances are we'll have some laughs. It won't be the same as it was when Sam was alive, but it wasn't good for at least the last few years when she was sat in her chair, expressionless and immobile. No, that's not quite true - I think there were only two like that. The one before that she was a bit smiley. I feel like if I only looked for her hard enough I'd find her, she's got to be somewhere. It's impossible to process the fact that she's nowhere. I do know that the bag of ashes surrounded by her cuddly toys is not her, and I know that they'll have to be scattered at some point, but really I just want her to stop fucking about and to come back and start bossing us around again.

Today I am grateful for catching a beautiful sunset on the beach.

10:55 p.m. - 08.12.21

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Come home - 08.12.21
Shaving and stuff - 07.12.21
Still - 05.12.21
Scan - 03.12.21
Reflections - 02.12.21

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