annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Whew

1. A bit better, not sure why - ah, as I wrote that I realised it's because I saw my brother today, rather than anticipating seeing him and being anxious about how he is. He's going down fast - I have never in my life hugged anyone with so little flesh on their bones. It is what it is. Having wept all week I'm cold and dry-eyed now.


2. Art was hard - that was before visit to Bro. Neither of my two best pals were there - they're both struggling with difficult situations and I don't have it in me to call either of them because I can't listen to any more sorrow. (Which is why I know how it is that people who love me don't call me for ages - we all have hard lives right now and we're all hanging on however we can.) Also, the deadline for the open house submissions is looming and I don't have anything sell-able to submit - I know no one will buy my sketchy copies of famous paintings and that's about all I've done this year - so I find I feel too self-conscious and it all comes out awkward and stressy, so little pleasure to be had.  But I sat with three of the younger women, in their twenties, and that was cool, finding out a bit more about them.


3.  Bob and Shirley, getting almost friendly on my bed: and naughty Shirley after digging in the garden, again:  Honestly, she can be quite annoying. She's dug a fucking great big hole in the bed where I want to plant sweet peas. Last year I planned a scented garden for ED to sit in, then she was in the hospice in May, so I lost interest and in fact hated everything about the garden. If she couldn't sit in it, what was the point of any of it? It was August before we stopped watching her like a hawk, expecting her to decline at any moment, so too late to plant. Now I am faced with the option again, but do I have the nerve to plant a garden for my girl? Now I've thought about it I'm fucked. I am so scared of tempting fate, despite not believing in that at all. Bah.


4. To the seaglass beach again. It was this kind of light when I got there: and I stayed till:  which was two and a half hours, during which time I collected:I still don't know why I am collecting so much - I have no idea what to do with it but it's currently some kind of compulsion and fuck it, I could be doing gear or necking gin by the gallon, it's all good.


5. Politics is too awful to bear, on both sides of the pond. I have no words about the US - we've been going round this same conversation forever. I joined at Columbine, it's a loop, like a drunk going over and over the same point, lapsing into silence then starting again. It's more than I can bear - I'd like to keep all my personal pals (who I love dearly - keep safe, for fuck's sake, people, keep safe) and unfriend the US. I don't know how to keep myself steady when these things are real. I don't know how you manage it, if indeed you do.

12:54 a.m. - 17.02.18

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