annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Quick five

  1. I crashed then I perked up - that's how it goes. I got myself down to Sam's and as I arrived in her room, Islands in the Stream was playing on the radio. For some reason I just started singing along and dancing  foolishly with big gestures, and we both laughed and I kissed her and she kissed me back and it was all OK. Then I read bits of The Prophet to her, including the part on death:

You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.

In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

I don't say I believe in this, but it makes it feel all right to die and given the poxy nurse talking about 'end of life care' I wanted to say something but I have literally  no idea what I believe or what she understands if anything so it's tough. And I just cry if I try to speak my own thoughts, which is upsetting for Sam, so this is what I did and she seemed OK with it. I love the line: For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?

2. Swimming in the sea a lot, in the windy high tides, a bit scary but not too bad as the water is shallow. When it's high tide we swim near Younger Daughter's home and  then here at low tides as there's just hard sand here. not those annoying seaweedy rocks. Wore goggles today which meant I could actually swim rather than just lollop about - I can only do breast stroke by putting my head underwater as I breath out - and I managed to swim for about three minutes which is crap but I shall persevere and build it up.

3. Fucking Dr Who - what's the matter with people? When I say people, I mean men (not all men YAWN), mostly. For fuck's sake - the way some of them are going on you'd think there wasn't a programme left on telly with a male lead and that feminists rule the world and especially the BBC. There were a lot of people saying "Imagine how they'd like it if Wonderwoman was played by a man" as if all the other shitting superheroes weren't blokes already. Livid I was, livid.

4. My dodgy nephew was chucking out clothes and we had first dibs on them - I came out with three pairs of trainers including a white leather pair, a weird mesh pair in primary colours and a pair of leopard print furry ones with tails sticking out the back. If I could be arsed I'd take a photo but I can't. I don't really like shoes but I wore the white ones round the block just now to make my miles up. Not very comfortable but I may get used to them - I used to wear shoes, back when I worked and had to.

5. The hospice people are coming out again to assess Sam. N the manager wants her to see a urologist again as her catheter bag (Sam's not N's) is full of gritty bits that N thinks might be the kidney stone breaking up. I think she's making more stones. I'm not doing hope. Fuck you hope, you're a liar and a cheat.

Today I am grateful for: YD not having concussion when she banged her head on a rock doing handstands in the sea; living near the sea; runner beans, fresh off the plant and into a pan of hot water and onto my plate, yum; having found a way of living with all this where I'm only in grief-stricken despair some of the time; doing morning pages again - I LOVE morning pages - why did I ever stop. (google it, lazy)

Night night xx

12:40 a.m. - 18.07.17


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