annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary



I took loads of photos today with the intention of posting them here - some of different alleyways with interesting light, another set taken from the pier of some girls larking about on the sand in their school uniforms - schools here broke up for the Easter hols today - but sadly my phone is all the way over there on the sofa and I can't be arsed to stand up. The photos weren't that great, to be fair. [I did get up later in the course of writing this but the photos didn't appear on the laptop to be saved and copied. How does that happen? I can see the fuckers on my phone but the laptop can't.]

I lost the plot at art today. I'd planned on repeating the pictures I did last week - or at least using the same photos of bunches of flowers to do new and better paintings - but when I got to the recovery centre the photos weren't in my bag. Usually I'm very efficient about checking my bag but this morning, when I started making sure I had everything, I suddenly asked myself why I bother with all this as I never take anything out between one art class and the next. But I hadn't put the bloody photos in the bag, had I? They're on the floor, over there, by the sofa where my phone is. And it's the deciding what to paint that exercises me the most - if I hadn't thought I'd be doing these flowers I'd have been considering it on the drive over, but as it was I just went blank and started to get v agitated until B (the one who ran the journalling workshop I went to) started saying soothing things to me - ah, how nice it is to be soothed - it doesn't happen often. (Bloke always engages in the content of my agitation, as if I were being almost logical and it would be worth trying to make me see the error of my ways.)

I started painting M's tulips, using masking fluid to try and get the effect of the light, but became a bit unhinged again when I found out that another of my paintings is going in the open house exhibition and I was asked to put a price on it. You see, the thing is, my view of my art is out of sync with most other people's. I choose the ones I think are best to submit to these shows and people go, "Er no actually, not those, how about these?" and the ones they pick sell. The one today, of roofs and domes, I think is awful, it makes me feel embarrassed to see it in a frame, all big and misshapen and I wouldn't give you a fiver for it. So that disjunction, made me feel so awkward and uncomfortable that I cried quite a lot. Sigh. Sometimes I have to acknowledge that I'm living quite close to the edge of losing it almost all the time these days. It only takes the slightest thing and I'm gone. But here I am, almost looking for a job.

I do quite like today's painting. I was careful to be sure that the masking fluid was completely dry before rubbing it off to paint the petals, though sadly I hadn't checked that the dark green paint was dry, so I smeared that all over my lovely white spaces, boo.



But never mind, B gave me some white paint to cover it and I like the pot and I'll have another go with the masking fluid, maybe tomorrow.

1:31 a.m. - 08.04.17


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