annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Another fine mess

Seeing the CPN tomorrow so will have to summarise all this mood malarkey. Here's today's:

Bloke was at funeral till mid-afternoon, which I unconsciously interpreted as "unavailable", which in turn became the last straw, not having the security of access to him, him having my back etc. Yikes.

I want to say here that I find it very difficult to describe the down times in anything other than repetitive, not very interesting words. Each time IS different, but to convey it vividly requires a re-immersion in the moment which I'm just not prepared to do. It has been interesting to me though, to track my moods through the events of the day, noting which events have which kind of impact.

This morning had lots of certainty that I could not be the mother of a daughter whose life her sister describes as increasingly "Beckettian", what with losing her legs, her memory and her vision. (I know, fucking Beckett, still hanging around where he's not wanted, mocking any attempt at optimism). The pain was excruciating, physical, infinite.

But now, as I write, Freddie Mercury at Live Aid comes on the telly behind me, and my heart soars. Emotionally labile, I think is the term.

So, this morning was all pacing about, weeping, that kind of thing. There was a brief interlude of feeling blessed, when the post brought a CD made for me by Acorn, all the way from Houston, Tx, but I couldn't sustain it for long.

Then I had a text from Bloke saying all was well. I called him, had a brief chat, he said he'd be over in a bit, AND ALMOST AT ONCE, the despair lifted and I set about doing things. Like: