annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today It's been a day full of bad news about good people. Discovered that ED's MS-related loss of vision typically lasts between four and twelve WEEKS. Jesus, we'll all be carried off to the funny farm long before twelve weeks. Food is doing my head in most. I'm at a stage where I can't plan/list/shop/cook because my brain disintegrates at the very idea. In the past I've spent my way through such episodes - eating out, having deliveries etc - but now I don't have much money and do have increased health anxiety, especially regarding fat, cholesterol and all that gloomy shit. Today I was completely agitated about what I would eat later, what it would be realistic to buy, trying to predict whether or not I would be able to face cooking later. Eventually I decided I wouldn't, that the money I do have is 'for a rainy day' and that THIS IS A FUCKING RAINY DAY, so I bought myself a boxed salad from Pret and a wholemeal roll. No preparation, healthy, not as expensive as eating out, all done, brain relaxes, excellent, job done. Till I walked round the corner (not from here, the corner from Pret a fucking Manger), and found a little food market, including a fresh fish stall. Fabulous, I bought two mackerel, got him to fillet them and wandered off. Instant paranoia - how am I going to cook them? I could fry them, grill them, bake them, ach it was all going off in my head, round and round, so I had to just put one foot in front of the other and get myself home. But at home I had nothing, no lemons, potatoes, no clean work surfaces or frying pans. More agitation, pacing about, playing spider solitaire and losing, over and over again, until at last - eureka! I still had the fucking salad and the roll! I didn't HAVE to cook the fish tonight - they were very fresh, but fuck it. I can do Delia's pesto mash recipe tomorrow, that can be my task for the day - clean the kitchen a bit, buy spuds, pesto, lemons and a bag of rocket, make a dish I've done loads of times before. Man, it's tiring being me. On the plus side, I bought GS a load of books for his birthday this Saturday, took my washing down for a service wash, fetched it and put clean sheets on my bed, tidied the front room and got some good advice about ED from the facebook MSers page. And walked back from the art supplies shop, which is only a mile, but it's something. 12:31 a.m. - 31.05.12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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