annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary



Jesus, I've just opened 'write or die, to make myself write 500 words in 15 minutes so I can go to bed early enough for tomorrow but still blog. I tell you, it's one way to raise your heart rate. [I had to stop after 360 words in ten minutes as I was liable to explode with pressure]

So, what's up? Mind's gone gone blank, of course.

I did manage to cook the mackerel, though I made too much of the pesto mash by forgetting I was only using the recipe as a guide for ingredients, not quantities. I'll have to eat it with something else tomorrow but god knows what with. Was planning a healthy salad lunch in Aloka followed by beans on toast for tea. But may have to rethink - forgot to buy beans anyway and one of my new aspirations is to stop wasting food.

Finally wrote to my cousin tonight - the long lost one, she can be LLC. I drove straight from her house to ED's after my visit, and haven't been able to ponder and process any of it. It was fabulous to meet her and stare at her, looking for similarities, and to find myself at ease in her company beyond what I'd dared hope for.

She's a bit fierce, probably a bit tricky, but I don't care - quite a few of the people I love are tricky - not as in dishonest, just difficlt, one way or another. I really liked her and hope she'll be part of my life from now on.

The biggest surprise and the thing I'm struggling to get my head round, is that I had the family story all wrong. LLC's mother (my 'real' mother's sister) did not die of heart stuff shortly after giving birth to LCC. In fact she lived till her mid-thirties, when LCC was seven (and I was ten) and died of thrombosis caused by early contraceptive pill. Our uncle, the last sibling, died of undiagnosed internal injuries following a car crash, also in the mid 60s. Where did the story that they all died in their 20s of heart failure come from? Why did my cousin and I never meet? Why are all the people who could answer this dead? It's all very weird and a lot to take on. I was so sure that my bloodline was fucked and I wouldn't make old bones, I didn't do anything other than live for the moment till I was thirty and realised I was still here.

It's also the reason they're on my case about cholesterol so much - I got an appointment in the post to go to the Lipid Clinic next month, and frankly, I don't want to. I cannot get my head around anything else. I'm trying to balance my whole health needs and keeping as clear a head as I can muster is top priority. If that means eating shite sometimes, then it does.

I've been all round the houses on the phone for ED today, and think I have got someone coming next week to assess what help can be given till her vision returns. Also, this evening SIL has discovered that potential side effects of her new anti-depressant include blurred vision and weakness in the legs. What the fucking fuck??? Why have they prescribed that for a person already distressed by blurred vision and weak fucking legs??? Livid doesn't cover it, honestly. He's getting onto her GP tomorrow to see what she thinks about ED coming off all the drugs for a while.

Well, now I'm furious and it's already quarter to one, so I missed the early night.

Grateful for: friends; a lamp that gives out enough heat to satisfy the mangy cat; Son due on Saturday; garden looking fabulous; YD heading up to her sister's in the morning to start getting GS's birthday action together.

Sweet dreams xxx

11:56 p.m. - 31.05.12


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