annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Somebody in Austen Texas reads this blog A LOT. Multiple pages most days, when there aren't many to choose from - I only started this one in September. (Hiya - sorry for speculating about you, do drop in and introduce yourself - I am so curious.) I find myself looking at where people who read here are from quite often, (because it still feels like magic to me), and I notice unusual patterns, like someone re-reading. I'm intrigued, fascinated - then paranoid, at which point it's best to distract myself with something else. I have managed myself very badly today. Too much anxiety, spinning out of control (only briefly, but it's not nice), then barely under control for the rest of the day. I couldn't get myself steady enough to go to the art class without provoking queries as to whether I was OK, and I knew that would make me cry even more so I didn't go, but then I missed having the 'losing myself' experience, and that's not great either. What had driven me right over the edge was phoning the agent who said all my references came out good so the flat is as good as mine and I'm going round there on Friday to measure up. This is obviously brilliant news but my brain just short-circuited on receiving it. I did manage to conclude the conversation without mishap (I think - yikes, maybe I didn't!), but then all the thoughts I had arrived simultaneously and I couldn't fight my way through them. I've drifted through the rest of the day, not putting up much resistance to anything - going out for brunch with Bloke, who wittered on about egrets and glebes (he's a born-again bird-watcher), not understanding that my brain was FULL as I couldn't articulate that, even to myself at the time. I was meant to be going over to see M after art class, but when I tried to cancel him he wouldn't have it, said it would do me good and that he'd cook dinner, so I did a set of to calm myself, then drove twenty miles across the grey autumn afternoon, through bare blackened trees in the misty countryside, to darling M, who was in fact just what I needed. I haven't been to his place since he passed his driving test last year, which is just lazy of me. He's trying to move back to the city, to the area I'll be in, which would be fab - we could be old dears together. Anyway, the upshot of all this is that I shall call that helpline tomorrow. I can't face the prospect of feeling like this for the next three weeks. I know how to calm myself down, but not repeatedly, day after day, whilst achieving something complicated. Not without more help. Help in the thinking and planning. I have made a list, and got someone coming round to give me a quote on removals, so I am on my way. Tomorrow a couple of prospective tenants are coming round. This is what Cainer (cainer.com) has to say, the bastard: Gemini, Wednesday, 16 November 2011 OK. No pressure, then. Laters x 12:43 a.m. - 16.11.11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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