annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Chin up; tits out

This is the mood I'm aspiring to tonight:

I was in the audience that afternoon, thrilled beyond compare at fabulous Shirl, bellowing along at the top of my voice, dancing in my wellies.

Meanwhile, the gutty stuff has been continuing, hard slog in several directions, but I am doing my absolute best to keep things balanced, to jam some fucking joy into daily life, no matter what.

Step one - a bunch of flowers:

dead cheap too, only two quid. I'm a recent convert to gladdies having been put off by their conotations of Dame Edna and bloody Morrissey (dunno how he spells his name and don't care), but that wasn't their fault. Buy yourself a bunch of flowers, go on, I dare you. If you really, really can't afford it, go and pick a bunch of pretty weeds. (I have been very not-bossy out there in Real Life, so I need to balance that out here.) (That's tonight's excuse, at any rate.)

Step two: get down the beach. Yesterday I was too agitated to be able to find my swimsuit, but Bloke and I went for a walk, though I only walked from the car park to the shore, a distance of some twenty yards, and stood in the sea:

debating with myself whether or not to swim in my knickers and dry myself with my jacket. I never used to give a shit about that, going in the sea topless, in just my underwear, if I'd fetched up at the beach unprepared. Just don't catch anyone's eye, and hold your head up - it's only the few paces into the water where you're really exposed and if you do it quickly and without a fuss, no one ever seems to mind and if they do they can fuck off, the fuckers. I couldn't do it yesterday though - the thought of inciting disapproval from anyone at all was more than I could contemplate, so I indulged in a bit of fear and self-loathing, before realising that I haven't done that (fear and self-loathing), not in this truly horrible way for ages and ages and ages. Which cheered me up a bit. I am definitely better than I was and am currently truly worn out.

last night I ate nearly a whole family sized sticky toffee pudding and didn't care. Still don't. With creme fraiche - gives a lovely tartness.

To the beach with bloke again today and I did swim and o the bliss of floating weightless, tossed gently by the waves under a clear blue sky, breathing the fresh tangy air, feeling the tension untangle itself from my body and ebb away. I love the wooden sea defences, always a slightly different shape after each winter:

but I still mainly fail to get the horizon horizontal, though when it's too awful it can be cropped out:

I love living by the sea, even, or perhaps especially a scrap of beach behind the power station, inhabited by crows as well as seagulls:

And to swim in September - the end of September. Such a gift, a few extra days of summer. It's supposed to last for another couple of days so I'm thinking of doing it properly tomorrow. Packing a bag with a days supplies - food, book, drawing things, smokes - and taking my sunbed and NOT MY PHONE. Spending the whole day there before we pack up for the winter.

Grateful for: A fab new read , Australian, wonderful dialogue; a little energy surge after my swim that led to a clean(ish) kitchen and a change of bedding, both of which have been a long time coming; nothing I have to do tomorrow, nothing at all; open windows, billowing curtains; the time I've had in my little house.

Sweet dreams xx

12:38 a.m. - 30.09.11


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