annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fear I live with the fear that the other two will die young as well. Son has heart issues and Daughter hasn't been properly well since before the pandemic. Therapist says I need to get this out and look at it, examine it thoroughly, see the flaws, know it for what it is rather than have it lurking in the shadows, poisoning everything with a seeping, creeping terror. But what is there to say? My grandmother outlived all three of her children. My mother died, age 22, of pneumonia, before penicillin was widely available; her sister Brenda in the early 1960s, from a stroke brought on by the early version of the contraceptive pill; my uncle, their brother Brian, from undiagnosed internal bleeding after a car accident. My therapist points out that none of these would be fatal now and she is right - I myself had pneumonia in 2019, completely cured by some heavy-duty antibiotics, but that doesn't change how I feel. I know the odds are against it, but they were against me losing my mother when I was a baby and then my daughter. They were against my granny losing all three of her children in their 20s. The odds were against Sam's RRMS turning so nasty, but all these things happened. If I tell myself it's an inappropriate fear I can't believe it - it feels like if I try to persuade myself they'll both live to a ripe old age, one of them will be hit by a bus immediately and the other will succumb to the next virus that will only be fatal to one in every two thousand people. This is why I look so fucking miserable in my selfies. I don't trust life any more 12:32 a.m. - 12.02.23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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