annanotbob2's Diaryland
Diary
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Day 30
Yay - go me and go D for blogging nearly all the way through December. We'll almost certainly succeed, even if it's just a line or two tomorrow. I'm not going out and nor is she - drunk people scare the shit out of me and I'm a miserable cunt so I'm staying in and you can't stop me. When I was a skint single parent during the 80s, I could never afford a babysitter on New Year's Eve, so I kind of talked myself out of it. There was a later time when me and a couple of mates always went to a pub where a really good local covers band used to play, and we'd get pissed and dance to Hi Ho Silver Lining and that kind of thing. I wouldn't mind doing that again but it's all a bit mental these days - pubs with music sell tickets for NYE and I don't have anyone to go with and I couldn't get home anyway, so fuck it all. I did manage to think of some good things that have happened in this decade.
- I lived for four years in a beautiful flat in a beautiful road in my favourite city, with the sea just at the bottom of the road, visible from my front door. If I'd managed not to panic when the landlord kept putting the rent up I could have been living somewhere similar still, but there you go, I'm not. On the other hand, I am a homeowner again, as Bloke put me down as joint owner when he bought this place. Don't think I'm an ungrateful bitch - he ripped me off and lied to me when we owned a house together before - what I am is stupid for thinking it would be different if we tried again. Though to be fair, I'm sure he's not ripping me off as I have nothing left to rip. (Not a good start for thinking positively, descended to moaning pretty fucking quickly, will try harder next time)
- I took up walking, firstly with the 6000 steps a day, then the 1000 miles a year (not much more tbh) and have felt so much better both mentally and physically, though I'm still quite fat. I really love it now, being outside even in the cold and the rain - the thought of being stuck inside all day is just untenable. Now I go to the gym twice a week as well, to do circuits for fat old fucks, which is doable, but does make me sweat and huff and puff so must be beneficial. I have a deal for a while - 24 sessions, mostly two a week, which I can and will renew once, then I might join the proper gym and do machines. I'll have my pension by then so will be able to afford it. This is the first decade in my life where I've kept up any kind of exercise habit for any decent amount of time. I used to swim a bit, but never very much - 30 lengths of a small pool - it does get boring.
- I have sold quite a lot of art, which I would never have believed was possible. And crafty things - sea glass jewellery and waxed wraps - the eco alternative to cling film.
- I have kept blogging and have kept a few lovely readers (*waving*). I call myself a writer because I write and people read it - sometimes this is enough and at other times the urge to be a published author comes over me, though I know it's not gonna change my life if it does happen, but still, you know?
- I don't have too many regrets about how I cared for Sam as she was devoured by MS. I helped her get her home and finances sorted out when she was unable to walk or work; I fund-raised for a wheelchair accessible vehicle when she couldn't weight bear so couldn't get into the car; I visited her regularly and often, and fought for her when she had to go into a care home; I moved her closer when SIL stopped visiting her, and found a brilliant place for her to live where they loved and respected her; I took her out and about, giving her the richest experience I could provide; I sat with her in hospitals and the hospice and finally held her hand and kissed her as she died. I kept my gob shut about the others not visiting her, and never once laid a guilt trip on any of them, though I was fucking pissed off. In the end it was just me and bloody Auntie Lyn, her father's elder sister, who is a royal pain in the arse but did visit right to the end so (grudging) credit where it's due. I think I can feel proud of having given her the best I could.
- I got a dog and I really love her though she is annoying and eats the cat shit out of the box which is vile and disgusting but I still love her.
I can't think of anything else for now though I'll try and come up with four more for tomorrow. I'm already in bed as I have a sore throat and am hot and weary. Today I am grateful for: acupuncture; a walk up the river with my friend MC as the sun went down, lovely and peaceful; lemon and honey; Shirley, my mad little dog; my warm bed Good night, dear friends. Have a good end of year celebration, if that's what you do, but you be careful out there.
11:25 p.m. - 30.12.19
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