annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Day 31

It's only ten o'clock on this New Year's Eve and I'm in bed already. The cold ramped itself up into a big shivery, achy, sneezy, snotty thing and I spent most of the day in bed, then suddenly became overwhelmed with FURY at Bloke, who does nothing but sit on his computer all day, doing God knows what, so I went out, all cross, in the dark, stomping along the sea front in a bitter easterly wind, like a fool. Honestly, he does nothing at all on his own initiative and sometimes I'm OK with it, but other times I am not. I'm in charge of everything, so when I get ill, nothing gets done. It doesn't bring out the best in me. I can get really petty over it. We eat in different rooms (yes, that's how good we are), and he always sits at the same place at the table and never wipes it. Once I got stupid about it and didn't do it either and counted and it went for seven weeks, seven weeks of crumbs and spillages, fucking disgusting.

Anyway, the good news is that the Friday art group is starting up again this Friday, not next, and a new yoga studio is opening in the village and giving free classes this weekend so I only have Wednesday and Thursday to get through. Bloke has a day's work on Thursday, which is good, but it's also my brother's birthday, so not so good. His wife seems to have dropped me - what do they call it? Ghosting? It hurts. She's been one of my favourite people and I thought it was mutual - she doesn't return my calls any more. I dunno. I struggle to not spiral into mental thoughts about it - the prime one being that everybody goes off me when they find out what I'm really like. I did a lot of work on that  thought when I did the long recovery programme, but sometimes people do go off you. We'll see. I can't bring myself to phone again. Last year we walked on the beach on Bro's birthday, with their two sons. I might call her tomorrow. Or I could text her tonight.

So, I remembered a few more things that were good in the last decade

  1. Getting into the beach cleaning. I'm not doing it so much at the moment, not really sure why, but I will get back to it. I love being able to do a little thing that does make the world a bit better. A tiny bit better, but it's something. And no need to sign up, or talk to anyone, or make any commitment, just pick upmliutter on the beach, and if you feel like it, take a pic and post on Instagram #2minutebeachclean I've made actual real life friends from this. Brilliant.

  2. And I stopped smoking, after fifty fucking years - Jesus. First day at secondary school some second years gave a bunch of us first years, age 11,  some fags and said this is how you smoke, and off I went, like a fool. No6. 1/11 for ten. 1965. I stopped coughing after a few weeks and have felt much better in the lungs and breathing department, till I got pneumonia, which still hasn't quite cleared up, I don't think. Almost though.

  3. My photography got miles better after I committed to doing the photo a day thing I did it for probably five years and you can't do anything for five years without getting better at it.

  4. I started going to five rhythms dancing, which I seem to have stopped but will start again. Dancing on your own, with other people and a good sound system, in the morning, stone cold sober, drug free, hard house and god knows what else, just dancing as if no one is looking cos they aren't, and dancing a load of shit out of you. Don't know why I stopped -  oh yes, the pneumonia. Well I shall take it up again.

I'm a bit scared of 2020. 2017 seemed like the worst year ever, when Sam spent all that time in the hospice having end of life care, though she did pull through. In 2018 my darling, dear, younger brother died of fucking Motor Neurone Disease (called ALS in the US, I think) . I miss him in great waves of sadness. We used to bicker quite a bit, as he could be a smug fucker and seemed to think that I was less than perfect on occasion, but he was my brother and I loved him with a sister's love for all of his life. Then this year, to lose my daughter - I don't want to know about 2020.

But it's coming round the corner anyway. Happy New Year to you all. Thank you so much for sticking with me. See you tomorrow.

I am grateful for: Lemsip; Vick's vapor rub; lemon and honey; hot water bottle; being generally in such good health that this seems terrible, when it isn't, it's a heavy cold.

Ciao, bellas xx


11:10 p.m. - 31.12.19


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