annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Six

1. Some improvement in my physical health but not a lot. Trying to drag myself into a more positive frame of mind but not having much success. Really fucking hate being dependent on others.


2. I watched Season 1 of The OA over a couple of days and I tell you, most of it passed me by. I quite liked her, the main character, but she talked too quietly a lot of the time. Maximum volume on this laptop is not great - not quite bad enough for subtitles, which are very distracting, but crap. I have some speakers somewhere, but haven't seen them since I moved here.


3. Which turns out to have been four years ago. Four years. Man. Something has to change. I'm stuck on part three of that prayer about accepting what you can't change, changing what you can and having the wisdom to know which is which. I don't know whether I should be making myself find a way of living here with Bloke more happily, or at least less resentfully, or whether I should be cutting my losses and getting the fuck out of here. It comes down to money, though. I still have another ten months to wait before I get my state pension and my free bus pass, at which point I will be able to afford to live on my own.


4. Yesterday a journalist came to interview me for an article about the end of life doula that I see. I talked far too much, which I always do, but even more when I've been shut in a house with just Bloke for virtually a whole month. I mean it has been a month but I have had two visitors - Younger Daughter and friend M. Fucking rubbish - leaves me knowing where I am in people's estimation. But there you go.


5. Today Bloke took me over to the city Recovery Centre to deliver the postcards I've had made for the Open House, which started today. I was going to post pictures on here but I can't remember how to get photos from my phone to the laptop and uploading them to wordpress from the phone has changed and I can't see how to access them - the only option seems to be google pics. I managed to last there for ten minutes then had to come home and go back to bed.


6. I've been writing this blog post forever - as I said, no focus. I have watched a whole season of The Crown and am cracking on with S2. I'm no fan of the royal family - they are the embodification of the idea that some people are intrinsically more important than others and deserve more, an idea I totally reject. Historically they're just the descendants of the greatest plunderers and as such they can fuck off expecting us (me) to kow-tow to them. Although to be fair, the queen did come to one of the schools I worked in and she put on a fucking great face. You'd have thought it was the highlight of her year to be introduced to a long line of nervous educationalists and I can guarantee that it wasn't. But still that's personal, not political - politically I'm a republican, in the British sense of the word, meaning I want a republic not a monarchy, yet I'm still enjoying The Crown more than anything else I've watched since being ill. Partly, or mostly, I guess, it's just well made telly that develops, rather than having another formulaic episode every 20 or 40 minutes. It's odd having P Phil played by Dr Who as he's kind of intrinsically likable, which no one would say about P.

If you felt like saying hello in the notes, that would be bloody great. Thanks for reading xxx

1:00 a.m. - 05.05.19

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