annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Getting up again

Last night was the lowest point I've had for a long time. I've been saying, "And then X happened, which was the final straw," again and again and again, but still the shit keeps on coming and fuck it, I don't want to be a miserable bastard for the rest of my life so I'm going to really try harder not to be. I don't know yet what form this new approach will take, or how I will get through the month without any money, but I'm guessing that all will be revealed.  Bloke said he'd pay for the new teeth (see yesterday's post if you don't know what I'm on about) but there's still everything else. If I can blag £45 from somewhere I can put petrol in the car to get to all my things, most of which are either free or paid for next week at least (loyalty cards etc), but I still have to pay to park in the city, or catch a bus from free parking places - it's 4 miles further in, which is too far to walk both ways - even if I manage to not buy anything else at all. I remember when the kids were small and we lived on the dole as I couldn't find a job that paid enough to cover the child care for three kids, and neither of the dads chipped in at all, we got used to not having stuff. Like never having ketchup or puddings or any unnecessary foodstuffs - living on homemade potato-based soups and pasta and loads of lentils. Only reading books from the library. I don't know if I can do that again. But it's mostly shit, the stuff we think we need, isn't it? If I'd had some money today I'd have bought three lip balms, one for in the car, one for by my bed and one in my bag, but that's just laziness - I have a little vaseline one and I need to go and fetch it, and remember to take it with me when I go out.

Daughter is upstairs, asleep in the spare room. I like that. I'd like them all here really, and Grandson. Or if not here, somewhere like here, but in a friendlier place, with more cupboards and shelves. Where you could walk into town and to the beach and catch a bus to everywhere else you want to go.

My life outside the house is pretty OK, I like the things I do and find them enriching, but I need to be able to come back less grudgingly. I want to feel at home where I live, not to yearn to go home while I'm actually there. This is one of two big questions I have that as yet I don't know the answers to. It's the old recovery thing - grant me the wotsit to change the things I can, the other wotsit to accept the things I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference. I don't know whether I should be accepting or changing where I live- though obviously without a bit more of an income, the idea of changing is dead in the water.

My other big question is age related. We all know that our bodies start to deteriorate as we get old, they function less and less well. But how do you know which things are due to age and which can be cured/healed/mended? Am I now a woman with an achy leg or will it get better?

1:19 a.m. - 01.12.18


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