annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Low
- Big struggle all day. Very, very low mood. Filled with sense of precariousness all around - anyone could go next, probably someone unexpected. Haven't told M yet that Paula died - she had lymphoma too, they started treatment at the same time, and M has been doing much better, but lately is more tired than she should be. Scary. I want it all to stop now - let's just call a halt right here. Enough already. I know really I have to scrape along the bottom for a bit, not try and force myself to feel good, let it be. It is all right to feel bad, but it's unpleasant.
- My legs are hurting again when I walk uphill. I just checked the NHS page on treatment for peripheral arterial disease and I'm doing all the recommended things - not smoking, walking - they say thirty minutes three times a week, I'm doing a couple of hours every day - cut down on alcohol - I occasionally have a small bottle of lager with my dinner - healthy diet. Meh.
- The weather today was bitter, north-easterly wind, endless icy rain and I didn't want to go out at all, but couldn't bear being indoors either, just stuck on the laptop, pissing around, wasting my life, so I dragged myself out with the dog, up here, to the downs.
It was too hilly for my legs, it hurt so much I was almost beside myself, with nothing to sit down on that wouldn't result in a wet arse. If I'd been near a road I'd have phoned someone and asked them to fetch me, but my car was as near as anyone else could get, so I had to plod on. I only did a mile and a half altogether due to the gradients - amazingly harder. Should I persevere until I can do it easily or will that never happen and should I stick to the sea front, all flat? - The dog liked it anyway, all waggly tail, scampering about:
mucky little fucker. - Tomorrow is another day. I will go and see my girl. My other girl is coming round to watch a bit of Ru Paul's All Stars, so that's good.
I am grateful for: my girls; shite TV to keep me from myself; a dog to take with me stomping through the mud; a warm home to return to; a belief that this will pass, although it will return again after that, but though it feels like it, this won't be forever; online scrabble - being able to manage words with friends, which I never used to be able to do, yay, go me
xxx
12:06 a.m. - 11.02.18
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