annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Hmmm

1. Dancing was cancelled this morning as the teacher's car broke down. Booooo. Now I'm wondering why I didn't play one of the 5 rhythms playlists off youtube and just dance here at home, but it's only just occurred to me and I didn't.


2. Instead I went back to that part of the beach where the sea glass washes in, quite a long drive, and walked all the way along and back with the little dog and didn't find any fucking sea glass. I felt all stirred up - there had been almost armfuls on Sunday morning and the woman had gone again yesterday and found even more and now - nothing. Was I being blind, and just not looking properly? I squinted more intently at the shingle and kicked things over and rooted about, walked up and down the beach as well as along. Nothing. Had it all been a big wind up? Had she hidden it all there before I arrived in some kind of weird prank? Were there hidden cameras? I let myself get quite agitated before I noticed that I was quite agitated and tried to get myself into a zen place of not giving a shit about the fucking sea glass, just having a nice walk with the dog on a quiet empty beach, but I remained aware that I wanted to get into that zen place to enable me to shift things so that I did find some, so it remained mega-shit and aggravating, then I noticed that I'd dropped the poo bag which I'd been taking back to the bin, and couldn't see where, and got into a big tedious dialogue with myself about the karmic implications of not even looking for it, thereby becoming a person who picks up her dog shit with a little bag but then leaves the little bag to not rot. Sigh. I did find a teeny little piece of green sea glass, about the size of a 10p coin. Later, T, the woman who showed me the place, posted pics of her finding masses of it again, today, but she didn't go back online so hasn't answered my question as to whether she was there before or after me.


3. It's not easy having anxiety and depression. It's a disease and it will find an expression one way or the other. I knew everything that happened inside my head on that beach was irrational and unnecessary but I couldn't rein it in. I don't even know why I feel I must have some of this stupid fucking sea glass, or what I will do with it - I searched to see what people made with it and didn't really like any of it that much - it's all a bit cutesy - but I haven't yet managed to quell the desire, the urgent desire to get out there and collect a bucketful. If T says she went in the morning, I will try again. If she went later, and I missed all that she found, then I am a rubbish seeker. Now I will try and write about something, anything else.


4. I've been in two online spats today, one with a rude person on twitter who said something about anti-semitism in the labour party. This has been talked about for a while, mainly in the right wing press and is not given much credence and I sincerely hope it is just shit-stirring by the Tories as it would be too fucking awful if the only party to have cared about the poor for ages are fucking anti-semites, but I don't think they are. The Milibands are Jewish and David was the party leader and Corbyn is just an egalitarian to his bones. Anyway, this bloke was saying any support for labour was corrupt so I asked him for some sources for his claims and whether, if he was against labour, he was in favour of slashing benefits for disabled people etc and he started up with the abuse, assuming I was denying the anti-semitism rather than querying it: Wow. You consider anti-Semitism acceptable over issues you prefer. Oh my god. What a vile dusgusting reprobate you are. How awful that you have s scale of importance with anti semitism at the arse end. You vile disgusting woman. Shame on you. Simply disgusting Interestingly, I didn't mind, but kept on answering him patiently and politely, as if there was any chance he would take on board that I am not anti-semitic, but he didn't. (He was right about Ken Livingstone who has said some shocking things but my theory is that he's in the early stages of dementia as he used to be sound and most def isn't now). The other spat was with a young woman from the Tuesday recovery centre who has become a christian, who prayed for ED when she was in the hospice, which as ED did live, she assumes to have been answered, and has now taken to standing with placards outside the abortion clinic. I'm not going to go over all that again, but I told her that I have had two abortions and in the same situations I would again, whether legal or illegal, safe or dangerous. She asked me if there was anything that would have changed my mind - yes, a different world where I wasn't on my own with not enough money to feed us and heat the flat in the winter, with someone to help me, but she didn't want to hear that, and interpreted it as me getting defensive. I haven't replied as she's a good person and now I just want to shout at her and every reply drifts into personal abuse so I delete it and start again and it does again.


5. Tomorrow is another day. Yoga. Thank fuck.

Night night. Hope you are well. xx

1:03 a.m. - 08.02.18

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