annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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QUICK – SOCIALISING
I'm giving myself till 12.00 to just bung something down as I keep avoiding here and I really hate not blogging. It's all been a bit crap (quelle surprise), but with good bits too.
There's something about Sam having reached a slightly better plateau that has released the pent up feelings I usually hold onto - when I say usually, I mean in this current place of being near her death - so in the 'normal' way there's no place for me to get hysterical - I need to be present and solid for her and her brother and her sister and her son and to not make it about me and I manage that for a surprising amount of the time. But now, she feels a bit safer - not in any long term sense, but for say, this week. She ain't going nowhere this week, so I let go and splat, there I am all over the place.
Well, that was meant to be 12 midday, but my pal M phoned and I haven't spoken to her for about a week, and then I went to yoga, and now it's almost midnight, but fuck it, I shall do till ten past and then go to bed. I'm trying to sleep more as I keep seeing things that say it really does make a huge difference to how well you feel... So I've set the timer for 15 minutes then I'm offski.
Now my mind has gone blank, as if I haven't done or thought anything since I last wrote beyond the usual stuff.
I have been seeing more people. Since restarting the headspace meditation I've got a bit better about self-defeating thinking. Like boo hoo, nobody ever phones me - which they don't but when I phone them they're usually happy to hear from me and want to meet up. So I saw my pal SB yesterday, the one who was with me when I gave birth to YD and who I named her after. I was invited to lunch at her 91 year old mother's house - bloody lovely it was, and so inspiring. The mother was in a bad marriage till her late 50s and from that point started to develop as an artist and is still really well in body and soul, leading little photography conferences and all kinds of shit. Today I had lunch with JL, whose dog Millie I used to look after, which was great - with both of these women we fall straight into it as if we'd seen each other yesterday. Tomorrow I am meeting AS, a bloke I used to live in a shared house with when I was pregnant with Sam - 1977/78 that was. We've been friends ever since but he became a teacher and was always busythough he just retired so can live a little.
This is how I want to live - more sociably. Oh yes, and my pal D from Glasto has organised a little camping weekend on a farm with firepits and stuff, as we missed the festival. There will be all the stoner-grannies and the elderly Dutch gay men and it is just what I need.
And now it's time for bed.
I am grateful for: still having a bit of go in me; acupuncture; friends; dinner - look at this, bloody lovely - tartiflette made with potatoes harvested from the garden yesterday and beans picked just as the tartiflette went in the oven:
and Joni Mitchell:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7MbmXklj3Q&w=560&h=315]
12:18 a.m. - 01.08.17
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