annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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I miss writing but have nothing to say that I haven't said a thousand times before. I'm struggling still with the downside of coming off the zopiclone and I'm not even right off it yet.

I did start CBT, though, that's new. We spent this first session deciding on some aims, but only got as far as food. I mean, my aim for the CBT is to drag myself into some better routines, to expand my life back out into the world, but for now, it's food.

Food has become a stupid big fucking deal to me and a massive source of guilt/shame/panic/despair. I feel as if a proper diet should take account of:

  • nutrition - it should be supplying my body with the nutrients it needs and not a load of shite, especially not cholesterol, since I stopped taking the statins
  • ingredients should not be placing unnecessary demands on the environment, therefore organic, local
  • my choice of meal should not be at a cost of slave labour, or communities going without decent food as land is used to supply out of season delicacies for spoilt fuckers like me (us).
  • cost - I'm heading into who knows what, unless something dramatic occurs fairly soon
  • effort required to shop for ingredients and cook them - this fluctuates - I often manage the first but not the second, leading to guilt, shame, waste, over-consumption of pies, take-aways and stuff that leaves me feeling worse, but too much worse to do anything about it, except order a curry.
  • So my aim is to cook three meals from scratch regularly each week. I'm not really happy with that, it doesn't seem enough, but in fairness I've only managed one so far and it's four days since the session.

    I am so fucking fucked off with being sick and tired.

    11:45 p.m. - 20.01.13

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