annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


And another thing

Sometimes it's hard to keep your chin up and your tits out.

Here are some things that are pissing me off, none of which are remotely consequential, but they add up to a big weight dragging me under when I'm already struggling to find my inner optimist.

There's still no fucking grass. For god's sake, let there be some grass soon. Alcohol on top of my current combination of meds makes me feel sick, and after a day of resisting the urge to lie down in the middle of the road and weep, I'd like the equivalent of a beer, just to take the edge off. The hash puts me in touch with whatever emotion I'm avoiding, which is (as usual) grief, but I can't live in fucking grief any more, it's been too long. So that's a pisser. Let there be grass.

There's nothing but shite on the telly. By which I mean the wrong kind of shite, as my TV tastes are pretty lowbrow.

It's cold already when it feels like summer only just started.

Politics. Jesus fucking Christ. Despair. Lies. More despair.

Money. New affirmation: I have enough money. I do. I have enough money.

The September list of topics for the photo a day thing. Day 16 - strange. Strange? don't talk to me about fucking strange - I've spent the summer with Samuel fucking Beckett. I no longer have any concept of strange, but I do hate the works of SB with a deep and abiding loathing. Day 17: In my fridge. Piss off. I hadn't properly looked in my fridge for - well, never mind how long, but having looked, the last thing I'm doing is looking again, never mind taking a bleeding photo. Day 18: Price. Meh. Day 19: Underneath. Ach, it all makes me feel tired.

Sleeping on the sofa. I'm such a fucking punter. We got back from ED's quite late yesterday and I noticed myself thinking how nice it was to snuggle under my duvet on my own sofa. But FUCK OFF! I'm an old woman with a BED, a beautiful bed, in a lovely peaceful room, full of morning sunshine, which I haven't slept in for months. They're going back on Friday, apparently. Properly back. YD and her BF that is. I'll miss them when they're gone, but frankly I'd like to miss them right now.

If I come home after 7 or 8 in the evening, I can't find anywhere to park without driving round and round until I'm mental.

The garden. I knew it was only decking and everything would have to grow in pots, and then the tree came into leaf and threw it all into shade and now fucking squirrels are digging up the few plants that have survived. Give me a break, you bastards:

I was just going to get some bulbs but there's no point.

My knees hurt.

My MP3 player died.

Thank you for reading. I will attempt a more Pollyannanotbob soonest.

On the plus side I am grateful for: Having a sofa to moan about; lunch with an ex-student; BF buying us all kebabs for dinner; being able to watch The Great British Bake Off on the computer; the mug of hot milk, nutmeg and honey I am about to make.

Sweet dreams xx

11:33 p.m. - 19.09.12


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