annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


But while there's moonlight and music

There's been some emailing between me and my long lost cousin. I just offered to go and meet her - she lives about four hours away, but my old friend D lives twenty miles from her and says I can stay at hers and go from there.

I have this vision of our two dead mothers. Two sisters, Barbara and Brenda, who both died in their early twenties, who both left baby girls. And now (or soon at least), here we are, two middle-aged, motherless women, sitting on a bench somewhere, making our mothers happy. We made it, look at us, we're in our fifties, proper grown-ups. Can they see us? Have they grown older and wiser ahead of us, or is my mother still twenty-two? It's hard to imagine twenty-whatever-year-olds in the 1950s being as dippy as the modern ones (no disrespect, honest). They'd had rationing for most of their lives, no central heating, outside toilet - they missed so much. I can't help but believe it would please them, it will please them - how could it not? - to see us, their daughters, together at last.

Which isn't expressing a belief about what happens after death so much as a hope. All I believe is that we don't know, any of us, but some of us are optimistic, in a vague and incoherent fashion.

Anyway, apart from that I did some serious estate agent visiting today - two hours of it. For a while I had an appointment to view an amazingly awesome sounding flat in one of the most, if not the most beautiful Georgian terraces in the city, with a blissful, majestic front, steps away from the sea. Aw man, we'd written it down and everything and then I said, unasked, that I had a cat. No deal. The agent phoned the landlord to press my case but they weren't interested. No pets, no exceptions. So close, so fucking close.

I kept going and have actually got a place to view tomorrow, but I'm not as enthusiastic. It's a dive in comparison, but it's still a Georgian terrace so the rooms should be big and it's only one block up from the beach. You can see the sea from the doorstep, if not from indoors, well enough to tell how high the tide is and how rough it is. I like that - it's different every day. Back in the wind. Hmm...

There's still a whole load of agents I haven't been to that I'm going to try and hit tomorrow before I go to the viewing. Thank you for your good wishes in my search - it means a lot. I've started doing the Om Gum Ganapatyei Namaha mantra again - for help in the removal of obstacles from one's path. I let the other one slip when I went to Daughter's - it doesn't seem to occur to me to keep going with it there, which is tricky when aiming for forty consecutive days, considering how often I go there.

Grateful for: feeling supported, not alone in my endeavours; a great session with R (counsellor) today; a good long nap when I got in, with the cat, the bloody, flat-losing cat, all snuggled up and purring next to me; having had the opportunity to mother my children; hearing the rain lashing down on my poor, dry, neglected garden.

Sweet dreams xx

10:16 p.m. - 26.10.11


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