annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Theraping

Bloke is away. I'm managing, thanks. Therapy is intense. J (therapist) explains it to me in terms that make sense. I had some bad days last week, back into a depressive state, unable to do anything. She said yes, this will happen. Little Anna, whose needs weren't met, has been locked inside, only to emerge loudly and chaotically every now and then, before being shut up again. Our job in this therapy is to make a safe place for her to come out and be soothed and healed, until she almost disappears, leaving healthy adult Anna. This is the theory. But Little Anna is starting to burst out, with all this chat we're having, leaving me overwhelmed with "it's not fair, nobody loves me, I'm not worth loving" etc etc. Yes, says J, that will happen. What do you need to help you when it does? I don't know. She asks a lot of questions and listenms intently. Then she suggests that I write a letter to my closest friends, asking them if they can be available when I need them. This is the letter I wrote:

Dear friend
I hope all is well with you.
As you know I have recently started having proper, full-on therapy, with a view to finally shifting some of the stuff I’ve been lugging around since childhood. Already it’s quite hard – I have to take the lid off to look at this stuff and that makes me feel very vulnerable. This comes and goes – I’m fine most of the time, but have moments of feeling very useless and unworthy.
My therapist has helped me work out what I need when these feelings overwhelm me and that is to be with someone I trust, that I know cares for me. I’m writing to ask you if you would be able to help me with this. Not to do anything in particular, just let me come over and hang out or go for a walk or whatever, or maybe just chat on the phone, not even about anything particular, just a bit of chat to get my feet back on the ground.
If you agree, I am going to work out a specific text that I will send to you and the few other people I am writing to, that will let you know this is one of those times, not just an ordinary text. I know your life is busy and that you’re not just sitting around waiting to support a friend in need, and I will absolutely respect that. If I find I’m getting in a state all the time, another route will need to be sought.
Big love, Anna

I have to write a text that I can send and explain that on these occasions I can't usually call anyone or do anything but maybe this will work. The text will be something like: "I'm really struggling right now. Can we hang out for a bit or have a chat on the phone?"

These were some of the answers I got:
Dear Anna
As you know I am more than happy to help in any way I can. I really hope this therapy helps you realise how many people love you and, perhaps more importantly, that you come to know you are worth it.
Love
M x

and

Darling,
I AM HERE FOR YOU ALWAYS XXXXXXXX
My door is open, my phone is on, my care for you is burning bright.
I'm blown away by your bravery in voyaging the inward seas - happy to be crew and keep you company when the seas get too choppy.
Your friendship has been an important constant for me and I value you a great deal, whatever you might feel about yourself at times.
lots of love
J xxxxxx
PS Let's make a meet up date soon :)

How does it work that I feel unlovable and unloved when I have friends like this, who've been in my life for almost thirty years?

No idea, but I have my next session in the morning so I am offski. Night night xx

11:45 p.m. - 22.06.21

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