annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Monday Monday

Monday night. Very quiet - can't hear any traffic or any neighbours' TVs. It smells a bit garlicky in here - I made more hummus and decided to roast a head of garlic to use - didn't put it all in, so the remains are sitting in the kitchen wafting this way. My desk where I write is piled up with shite as usual. Books, bits of wood from the beach, broken headphones, a pot of pairs of scissors, another pot of pens, all my old diaries - don't know how they've risen to the top - wrapping paper Daughter left behind, two almost empty jars of coconut oil that I use to polish sea glass - enough sea glass to last a lifetime and plenty more miscellaneous stuff. Christmas decorations - why are they here? On my tiny desk? The prompt for the photo-a-day today was messy so I took a photo of the desk and the shelves behind it then had a look to see what other people class as messy. Sigh. I don't need to say more, I am sure. I can remember being shown into someone's front room and she said sorry about the mess as she picked up one magazine and one coffee cup. The box of books has been on the floor by the television since the day my brother died and Bloke started moving shit around as a displacement activity, which made me LIVID at the time, thereby putting a stop to any further action. That was March 15th 2018.

I almost finished with my counsellor today. I managed to get as far as, in his words, 'pressing pause' for now, but I have had enough. I'm having the assessment for the therapy on Wednesday and now I can't even remember why I wanted it. This is a hard time for me, heavy and lacking energy or the capacity to make choices, apart from to have another cream tea. I'm trying to give myself a break, to say it's OK to not write up the Bella bits, or to blog. That it's OK to eat a bit more than I have been, to walk a bit less. That actually I am still doing quite a lot - yesterday I walked for a while on the beach with a guy from the local writing group - a fantastic writer, then went on my own to walk among the trees, followed by yoga. Today I've had the last counselling session with R, collected a beautifully written out version of my acrostic poem for the kite thing, been to the opticians to have my glasses checked - these new lenses aren't working outdoors, driven to the art supplies warehouse to get what I need for the oil painting course I start next week, walked round the village and out to her allotment with M, made hummus, peeling all the chick peas again, rested a bit and now here I am, but giving myself a hard time because M and I had a cream tea and only walked 1.8 miles when my target is 2.7. Such bollocks.

Three Good Things:
1. A chat with Son, during which I forgot I was miserable and we had quite a laugh. I am so glad for the easy flow of thoughts, ideas, observations, smart arse comments etc etc between me and the kids. Not always, obvs, but I hardly ever had that with my parents. I am glad that we feel as if we're on the same side rather than in opposition.
2. May is such a beautiful month - that fresh green of the new leaves on the trees is so uplifting - not for long, but while you're in it. Tomorrow I might take my camping chair out to the woods for a comfy, longer relax in the midst of it all.
3. I love my little dog so much. When I woke up this morning she was asleep on the bed, curled up into as small a shape as possible, with her nose under a blanket and the very sight of her made me feel all warm inside. Later, of course, I spotted her eating some cat shit in the garden - she is a dog, a fucking shit-eating dog, but I do love her

10:35 p.m. - 10.05.21


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