annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Broken I posted this yesterday on Insta and FB It took me till 6 o’clock to get out for a walk today. Truth be told, I’m struggling. I’m a person living with chronic anxiety and depression which by and large I manage pretty well by making keeping myself steady a top priority. But over the last week several key elements were lost and extra stressors came in and here I am back on the sofa in my nightie, hour after hour, unable to get going. I’m missing acupuncture, I’ve had a load of treatments for precancerous skin lesions, which are scary and painful and make me sad and angry all over again for my friend Barb whose skin cancer was left untreated in the USA as she didn’t have the right insurance so she died. Because of those appointments I missed my art groups and one of my yoga sessions and the weather has cut short my walks. People tell me I’m resilient but I’m not resilient enough to keep myself going in these circumstances without a major setback. But I did get out in the end as feeling so awful feels awful and I walked 2.9 miles round Worthing, wishing I could go and sit in the care home and hear the familiar sounds of dinner being served and residents being cared for. Meh. Over sharing, as ever. I wanted to be open about my mental health. The things I do to keep myself steady look like I'm doing marvellously and I know some people see me as boasting about how together I am but I'm not. I've sunk into the edges of the pit. Yesterday I couldn't even manage an easy online sudoku - I kept tying myself into a place I couldn't get out of and I used to do hard ones. I'm always in two minds about concrete evidence that my brain function is not working. I mean, on the one hand it's quite useful - look, I can usually do this but now I can't - I told you I was ill. on the other hand it's even more depressing. My friend M sent me a text saying she'd seen my post and that this this always makes her think of me On I go 11:30 a.m. - 23.05.21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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