annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- day 186 I feel I should apologise for this being such a load of moaning shite, but I expect if it pisses you off you'll have stopped reading so there's no need. What I'm pissed off about tonight is having spent almost ten minutes removing a hair elastic that has been holding my hair back for several weeks, I discover there's now just a massive mat of hair. Denser than a tangle, like one fat dreadlock. I could leave it, I suppose, or I could just cut it off - I am tempted to do that - or I could slime the shit out of it with conditioner and spend the next four days teasing all the tangles out. I'll probably put another elastic in it and stay away from mirrors for another few weeks. It's all right to be not OK. That's what they say, isn't it? You know, Them. Them who say shit like this. It doesn't feel all right. I'm keeping myself out of the pit of despair but I am unhappy. That's what it is. I want my daughter back and I want my other daughter to be safer and less unhappy than she is and I want my son to be less unhappy than he is, and nearer, and I don''t want to live in a house with a man I don't like, in a place where no one talks to me and I want this fucking boot off my leg. But it is not within my power to change any of that at all. That's what it is. Some of it will change in time, but not enough and some of it, the most important part will never change. 11:44 p.m. - 16.09.20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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