annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Day 45
Lots of nice phone chats today, also one with my brother in France, not so nice, as he's the sort of bloke I'd have nothing to do with if he wasn't family, and I don't much even though he is. When his wife left him he was outraged because they were happy and it was ridiculous for her not to understand that. He mentioned her today, still with that tone, though he's married to someone else now. Anyway, I don't want to be moaning about him really, though I won't delete it as it's what came pouring out.
People called me today, which I liked. I'm OK these days with being the caller more often but it still makes me happy when friends ring up just for a chat. It's happening more now more aren't working. So that was cool.
I did singing group which wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped. When we're together we go round the room taking it in turn to choose a song, but on zoom we're just working our way through their songbook - they email the words out in advance, enough for one meeting - and we'd arrived at a bunch of pages with too many I didn't know at all. Someone else said ,'Oh, we don't sing these very often.' and we don't cos they're crap. But we finished with Abba's I Have A Dream which was OK.
Shirley and I went for a very long walk over the downs:
it kept looking like that, as if you were almost at the brow of the hill, but when you reached the corner there was just a little bit more, and again and again. Till we were this far from home:
Bloody lovely it was. Not really that far, about four miles, but it was hot and tiring and we turned round. I intend to do it again on a cloudy day and walk much further. It's a shame the path I have easy access to, without going miles along the road first, follows the path of the pylons, but it does. There's one in the recreation ground just round the corner from the house, 50 yards from here, and it links to these. Lovely light on the trees on the way back:
I feel anxious about my contact with Daughter yesterday. I've been so careful about everything and then she came into the house - against the rules but against sense too. I spoke to Son today and he went out with his dad again today, which made me feel both better and worse. Better because he did it too, and fuck it, we're human, we need each other, we feel the way we feel and can only manage this for so long. But worse because oh my god maybe we're all infecting each other.
I did my meditation this morning, first thing. I'm sure it's the critical thing in keeping me steady, keeping my attitude positive, even though the series I'm doing at the moment is the grief one. My little Sam. In this section of the series, after focusing on the breath and the body for a bit, we're invited to picture the person we've lost sitting somewhere where they're at peace. This is quite hard as it was so long ago that she was well, and she looks so fucking young, but I find something in my mind- quite often in the garden of the last house we all lived in as a family - and then we're to breathe in and imagine taking away all her pain and discomfort and as we breathe out, to give them everything we wish for them. I find I'm crying and crying but also loving it, loving the feeling, however imaginary, of breathing all that MS out of her and breathing back life and love.
12:42 a.m. - 26.04.20
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