annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Day 17
Today marks four years since I last had a fag (a British fag, ie a cigarette), which is something, I suppose.
Feeling very low. Part of it is anxiety about the next few weeks as everything I go to to keep me steady is closing down this Saturday and not opening again till Jan 6th. Well, there is a yin yoga class on Sunday 29th, but all the other yoga is off, and the art groups and the gym class. Both of the recovery centres are open but without any structured activities, just the cafes open and warm places to hang out and chat, but I can't manage any of that. I fill right up with anxiety just going through the doors, and it's only having something to do in a familiar space that calms me back down. I can get myself set up with paints and shit and make a start then I can join in the chat or not, as the mood takes me. I always do join in in the end, in the art groups, but I can't just turn up and hang out.
I decided to put it out on Facebook, that I want to fill my diary with stuff over this period, and would be up for meeting people to do whatever, but I chickened out. Maybe I'll contact individual people I like and see if they want to do something. I have this vision of everyone else with their happy families, their partners and all that, all loved up and not wanting old misery guts around casting gloom over everything. I know this is probably not true, but I haven't heard from my sister or my sister-in-law for weeks... but yes, I had lots of chat with friends M and J yesterday, so this is depressive talk, not reality. I need to make some contact, some invitations. I will.
Today I am grateful for: art group, where I didn't know what to do, but had decided in advance that if I couldn't think of anything I'd do one of those Cezanne still lifes, that I did so many of before, as that's very soothing and here it is - not a great painting, but a relaxed couple of hours:
I am also grateful for: well, this is one of those days when it feels hard to be grateful but I know how lucky I am compared to many, that it is a privilege to be able to say I am grateful for the roof over my head, my comfy bed, my little dog, my furry slippers, the food in my belly, my two healthy children (both of them drug and alcohol free now), for you dear people who stick with me and read this blog, I know I am blessed in so many ways as well as having had this terrible loss.
Night night
12:31 a.m. - 18.12.19
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