annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Heartstone
So I didn't write about this bit of the birthday because I kind of reject it, but also... well, I'll just write it. So we made the design, the mandala but not a mandala type thing, for Sam on the beach on her birthday, then we sat there, me Daughter and Bloke, separately and silently for a while. I was talking to Sam in my head, saying, "Are you there, love? Can you see this? We made it for you - do you like it? I hope you do. We miss you. I wish you could send me a sign." I looked up at this point in case there was a robin on the beach or a shower of white feathers, these being the things people often take for signs from a much-missed dead person. There wasn't and I hadn't really expected there to be because it's bollocks, isn't it?
So I sat there, running my fingers through the pebbles like you do and absent-mindedly picked one up. It had a hollow in the shape of a heart. Like stones have, all the time, loads of them. Or not. I showed Daughter and told her and we both looked astonished and put it on the centre of the thingy, with the other treasures we'd found. It's next to the pink flower top left:
We left it there and off we went and did whatever we did. I posted about it yesterday and quite a few people said of course it was a sign - oh man, wouldn't it be fabulous if it was, if in some fashion that's completely beyond our current comprehension, my girl was watching us and did want us to know that she likes it? Then I started to feel sad that I'd left it there - a sign from my girl and I just walk away and leave it. So today I went back and as it was above the tide line the whole thing was still there, including the heartstone (as I'm calling it) so I picked it up and brought it home which makes me feel ludicrous and grateful in absolutely equal measures. I both believe and don't believe. But it is a comfort, even if it is delusional. 
12:06 a.m. - 25.08.23
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