annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Julia
Meaningful connections - still going on this - it's interesting that the ones that jumped straight into my mind didn't bear much examination - or maybe they did and I can't see it. Today's is different I think. My friend J - so many J's - what to do? I don't like naming people. [I named her in the title after all]
This J was my friend D's sister. I'd known D for several years before I met J and I was kind of besotted with D. She's an amazing woman - talented in just about every direction - an artist, a fantastic needlewoman - queen of the sewing cabin at Glasto - and so lively, quick-witted, funny, friendly - can chat to anyone and make them laugh, make them love her. And gorgeous, fantastic looking even now in her late sixties. But she's not trustworthy. It took me a while to learn that and gradually, over several years, I kind of disengaged from D while my friendship with J slowly deepened. D was the elder and closer to their Dad, J was younger and had been closer to their mum, but their mum was African, a midwife, who returned to Africa unable to work in the racist Britain of the late 50s early 60s.
So J was a bit adrift, and D wasn't very kind to her. They were very different - J was good at maths and almost qualified as an accountant but never quite got it together. She was also into the craft and stuff - spinning wool out of hair saved from grooming the dogs, that kind of thing. I think we originally bonded over being disappointed and let down by D - D and I had a massive falling out - a row between her husband and my Sam, then aged about 15 where we took our sides and that was that. But we went deeper than that, me and J - she was one of the few people I knew before Uni that stayed with me after, that weren't either bored or intimidated by my new interests.
She met a fella and moved away, further north and we visited her, me and Bloke and the kids. She didn't want kids of her own but she was great with mine, just getting on with them as if they were proper people rather than Children. They all loved her. I have a great photo of her and Sam in her kitchen holding up a cake they'd baked together.
For Daughter and Son, she was the brown person they needed in their lives, without making a big deal of it, but always there for them. When Son went right off the rails, she was the one wo trusted him when he said he was going to do better - she spoke to her boss and got him a job and that trust helped him so much - that someone believed in him, stuck their neck out for him, was huge and although it was a while before he was able to stay clean and sober, he was motivated to apply for an access course - a route to University for those who fucked up school - and never looked back.
We talked all the time, me and J, and I think we were honest, that we spoke of our fears, our vulnerabilities, and I think that was the root of our connection - we were both a bit unloved, having grown up a bit in the shadow of more favoured siblings, we both felt that we were less attractive than them, had less to offer. From here I can say I think we were both wrong. We were kindred spirits and we loved each other. We used to have great rows, really shouting at each other but only ever about opinions not anything that mattered. I threw her out of my house once - I'd come home from a hard day's teaching, with dinner to get and loads of marking, and there she was and she started mouthing off about what was wrong with the education system, talking complete shite - she'd been living in Spain for several years and had no idea about any of it. I argued with her for a bit but she wouldn't accept that as a teacher currently working in the state system with three teenage kids, I knew more about what was going on than a privately educated, childless person who lived abroad. Honestly, she could be such hard work. I told her to fuck off, that I couldn't listen to another word and off she went muttering and swearing. The next day she was there when I got home from work and we'd both forgotten it had even happened. That might have been the time when the living room was too full of people so I said, "There are too many people in here - kids, can you all go upstairs? Not you, J, you're 45, you're not a fucking kid!"
She died, my J, I've written loads about that - she came off the side of a Spanish mountain road in her Jeep - we'll never know why - did she swerve to avoid an animal, or a car coming the other way - was she forced off the road by a terrible driver, was she drunk or off her face or did she choose to go that way? That's eighteen years ago now. We gave her three funerals, not on purpose, but it worked out that way. The first two were in Spain, the first time I'd seen D for I don't know how many years. We mended our friendship, bonded in sorrow at loss of our J. I do fully accept and love her how she is, which is not that trustworthy though I know she loves me as I love her. And we miss our J.
Tomorrow I'll try an do some catch up - these have been busy times.
12:14 a.m. - 13.08.23
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