annanotbob2's Diaryland
Diary
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Four
I've done too much and I'm too tired and tomorrow's got miles too much going on. Choir practice, then meeting the swimming person for a one-to-one about the safety around cold water swimming - how to not get hypothermia and how to read the sea, then yoga then song writing workshop. Friday I 'm meeting someone for a swim, then art group at the museum then singing as part of the town's Christmas shite, but I'm already tired so really I should go to bed instead of droning on here.
- My brother-in-law was 80 today. 80, ffs. That's us done for, we're the old gits now. Age gaps are strange. He's 14 years older than my sister, which would have been criminal when they were young but when they got together she was in her early 30s and he was in his mid 40s, all grown ups, no one's counting, but now she's only 66 and he's 80 and he's suddenly very much older than her.
- Yesterday Daughter and I went to London for a jolly, seeing art and larking about. Saatchi Gallery, full of posh people in expensive clothes and loud voices. Loads of good stuff - I do realise this isn't the greatest account of a trip to an art gallery, and I can only apologise.
- Therapy today, good. We're going in for more EMDR next week.
- I had a revelation on the train with Daughter, We were talking about scrabble and she asked me where I'd met Barb, my only online scrabbler. Barb is Captain Poolie's sister. Poolie, or Paula, got lymphoma at the same time as my best mate M. This was less than a year after my brother had been diagnosed with MND (ALS in the States, I believe) and it had proved to be fast. Sammie then developed kidney stones and sepsis and was not well enough for the anesthetic so went into a hospice for end of life care. I moved in with her and while there my friend A died and I went to her funeral from the hospice, just to the service, not to the after thing because I didn't dare to leave Sam for long. M and Sam survived, at least in the short term, Paula didn't. I'd played online scrabble with her; when she died I started playing with Barb and we carry on to this day. As I was recounting this to Daughter, the immensity of it bubbled up in me like some kind of after shock. It's not that I didn't ever cry through that time, but I didn't cry anywhere near enough because the right number of tears for a year like that is an ocean a fucking ocean of tears, but I had to be with my Sam and support her siblings and her son and support my friend M up close and Paula from afar and there was no room for anything other than quick bursts of emotion then sucking it up and carrying on. But I'm stronger now and there is time
12:20 a.m. - 08.12.22
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