annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wet I don't usually write when I feel like this but I'm going to try and get it down rather than just distract myself. I went to the zoom art group this morning, the one from the recovery centre that's now taken by a volunteer, D, instead of the teacher. She's OK, is D, but has no confidence yet. She doesn't like that we work at different speeds and have different requirements. Some want to know exactly what shade of yellow she's using and want to know how they can make their Cadmium Yellow look the same as her Lemon Yellow. Others (me) go bish bash bosh and want to get onto the next bit. J, the teacher, used to be able to tell me in a couple of sentences all I needed to know, but D wants me to wait. Anyway, she's OK. But when I came to get my stuff out of the bag in which I'd taken it to the museum on Friday, my two pencil cases weren't there. I looked in the car, right under all the seats, and all over the house, but they were in the bag and haven't been taken out since. So, did I leave them on the table at the museum or did someone steal them? Or are they somewhere I haven't thought to look? One of them is a tin, a very precious gift from Joan, who used to write on d'land as vicunja. She sent it to me years ago and I've used it ever since. It's a bit battered now, which I love and is full of waterproof pens for inking in after I've painted, and lots of good pencils. the other one is a cheap, transparent, plastic, long case, for all my good brushes with long handles. While I know in theory that a) it's only stuff and b) I could replace it all as I have enough money - I haven't spent any for ages and c) they could still turn up and probably will as it's unlikely to have been stolen really, none of this matters because d) any loss kicks off all the other losses and it did, it had me completely unravelling, total panic, where the fuck are my pencil cases. No, it doesn't matter, I'll use other brushes, I have loads, not as nice but good enough, I'm not painting the Mona fucking Lisa, ok sit down, breathe, block in the colours, like D is doing, breathe, OK. But where can they be? Maybe they're under my bed - they can't be under my bed, there's a mattress under my bed and the bag never made it upstairs till just now, maybe I didn't look properly in the car - it's pissing down with rain and I'm in my slippers and nightie with a jumper on top - it's only zoom, no one can see me, well the neighbours can now, as I'm out there crashing all the car doors, and that was how it went this morning, on and on, into the afternoon. Then, and this is why I need to write it down, because I am getting better, I realised that I hadn't eaten yet - I do the intermittent fasting but let it slide for a while, weight started creeping up and am now back on it - and that that wasn't helping so I should stop and eat. To be honest it wasn't as simple as that as I kept thinking of new places to look and wandering off but in the end I ate (beans on homemade bread toast with a poached egg and some tomatoes) and it did calm me enough to start putting good things into practice. Like
To be honest again, I forgot that I'd had a chat with K, one of the women from the art group - we were going to walk our dogs together but I rang to say I couldn't make it and she was great and suggested fire, tea and telly, so that's what I did. So I didn't come up with all that on my own, but I was making good choices - not going for a walk with someone I don't know much, in the pissing rain and wild wind. So today I haven't been for a walk - Shirley has been up and down the garden loads and I'll take her for a good walk tomorrow. I got a fair way into the wonky scarf and the wool unravelled - it looks as though moths have been nibbling through the ball. I only got minorly fucked off about that, not majorly, changed to a bit of the new stuff I had left over and will buy some more tomorrow, cheap shit as it's for the process not the finished article and it already doesn't match. I'd done navy blue with a band of dark red but both of them are fucked so I went to mustard as that's new and not going to keep breaking but it's not a great combination. Today I am grateful for having the wherewithal to nip it in the bud. 12:48 a.m. - 16.02.22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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