annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Tired (again)

Well, I made it to the EMDR yesterday which was massive and weird and powerful and symbolic. Time will tell how useful it was. It was interesting writing every day about my younger self, remembering things I’d forgotten but feeling very much like she was someone else. Which she was – I’d be a sad almost-seventy-year-old if I was the same as I’d been in my twenties – but I feel a lot less judgmental about her now than I have always done. Yes, she was a bit manipulative, very promiscuous and not remotely trustworthy, but she’d been badly neglected and was pretty much unloved to the extent that she couldn’t trust anyone who did show love. Ah well. On we go.
It really takes it out of you though, all that therapizing. I slept for twelve hours today, didn’t get dressed till it was dark again and haven’t left the house all day. This was breaking my resolution to go out every single day, into some kind of nature, taking the dog. Also to write 500 words every day. But I listened to a good podcast: https://link.chtbl.com/s9cwxMzY which is about changing dietary habits but also any kind of habit, a professor who specialises in habits, who said that 100% adhesion to any resolution is virtually impossible at first and suggested either trying not to miss two consecutive days or being satisfied with an 80/20 ratio of success to failure, and always cracking on again rather than giving up. So here I am, almost halfway to 500 words, keeping going. But I cancelled everything today, even the writing group and yoga, both of which made me feel a bit shit, but I did need to just sit for a day. Still haven’t made the marmalade which I must do soon before the oranges go over.
Fuck though, I’ve been saving these posts in a word document with a view to editing it into something maybe – have to see how the year pans out – and I just deleted it and didn’t realise until I’d fannied about with the fragment that was left and now I can’t retrieve it. I’ve cut and pasted some of it back again, but what a pain in the arse.
There’s a lot of Covid around at the moment and some people are getting well dodgy after effects, like Miller-Fisher syndrome, and other shit I can’t remember. I’m not sure whether we all ought to be wearing masks indoors again or not. I see people in masks but not many. It was so horrible, all that, wasn’t it? I see photos on Facebook memories and even by Jan 2021 we still mostly looked so miserable, haunted almost. Not surprising given we’d never lived through a global pandemic before and didn’t know whether we’d make it through this one.
The new temperature blanket is proving a challenge. I just tried to describe how and why and deleted it as it was even boring me. But I just realised I’m going to need 221 granny squares just for the borders, which means eighteen extra every month which means I’m well behind already so I need to get cracking.

12:03 a.m. - 19.01.24

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