annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Weird shit

I had emdr this morning and although I've said it before, I have to say it again, that is weird shit. We were looking to build up some positivity - this was hard while Son was away but his return puts me in a better place so off we went into the most surreal, bizarre set of stuff. It's done in fragments - I tap alternate hands on my legs in time with J, the therapist and each time she tells me to just notice what's happening, just notice. I think each time is only a minute or two. At first I'm imagining something we've agreed on - this time, how it felt to be with him and him confiding in me all kinds of stuff, like he used to - and at first it's like it was on Sunday, on the beach chatting and laughing and feeling happy. We start again and I feel overwhelmed with sadness because Sam isn't there. That stays for a while, nothing to see, just a feeling, then we're all together, me and my three kids, sitting cross-legged in mid air, and we're all 'looking after' Sam - not in any activity, but like in dreams when you know what's happening even when it isn't. It was all bathed in gorgeous golden light, but the next bit was, still golden, but now in the form of that very old style of animation, like Captain Pugwash, with sections of card being moved in layers - in this case a golden sea with big waves slowly moving up and down with spaces in between, and I knew that was life, highs and lows, but all good. From there it carried on getting weirder. J asked me at one point to see if I could notice what parts of me were there and I didn't know what she meant, but when we started tapping again, there was Little Anna, me as a young child and after a bit of more difficult stuff there was also Young Teenage Anna and Older Teenage Anna larking about together in bed, giggling and tugging the covers here and there, like naughty little girls having a sleepover. Healthy Adult Anna took up about half of the space, huge and tall and just sitting watching over them, keeping them safe. Young Teenage Anna was wearing a purple and pink paisley shirt that Ma (stepma) had made for me that I hadn't thought about in decades, fucking hell, nearly sixty years but there it was - I mean this is really weird shit.

I was totally knackered afterwards and thought I'd come straight home but when I got in my car I realised I was too tired so decided to have some food first. The first cafe I went in said food would be at least half an hour as they had two big tables just arrived ahead of me, so I went round the corner to a new deli. The waitress in there wouldn't let me look at the menu until I'd walked right down, chosen a table and knew its number, because "if I didn't have a table there'd be no point seeing the menu." She got right on my nerves so I went across the road to another coffee bar but it just smelled nasty and I decided to go to the cafe in the park that I'd always been to before, for at least a year, every Wednesday, but stopped because it's expensive. And the lovely waitress in there was so pleased to see me because it was her last day and she'd been hoping I'd come in and I had, through that odd series of events. We had a big hug and now we're Facebook friends, which pleases me because we just liked each other from the start. She's got another job with fewer days and more money. Good for her. But more weird shit.

Came home, went to bed, slept all afternoon, still wide awake now, nearly midnight. Might go and make the bean stew thing for tomorrow's dinner.

Laters xx

12:02 a.m. - 14.09.23


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

Better - 21.09.23
Yeah, me too - 21.09.23
Gummy - 18.09.23
RB - 18.09.23
Writing - 14.09.23

other diaries:


Site Meter