annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Getting back into the groove

I don't know why I stopped writing here, but I don't like it so I'm going to try and write every night for a bit, whether I have anything to say or not.
I've not been reading any of my buddies' blogs either, for which I can only apologise and catch up when I can. It's been a weird time, where I've been taking and posting a lot of photos with jolly words as if all is OK, when it fucking hasn't been.
Part of it is the therapy, which is hard and exhausting. It feels like peeling layers of an onion to find the rotten core and that metaphor only works one way as there's no correlation for the regrowth back on healthy tissue. If I didn't know people whose lives had visibly been improved by this kind of deep work I'd chuck it in because at this point it's costing me a fortune and making me feel worse. But I am seeing the things I'm not really able to do, like ask for help before it gets desperate. Or before I get desperate. I was good at asking for help for Sammie, We've been exploring this. I have a list of close pals who have said they'd be happy for me to text them when I'm feeling overwhelmed because a) they love me and b) I only need a touch of kindness and I'm OK again, less then ten minutes. But I can't. I absolutely can't. Well, not so far.
Ah well. In other news one of my nieces (my favourite, to be honest. You can't say that with your own kids but you can with your sister's) - she's just had her first baby and I'm loving that, all of it. As soon as they have their first child I can feel the recognition of us as parents suddenly shift. They love their baby to bits - I am having no truck with 'to the moon and back' or any of that shite - but they are tired, more tired than they have ever been and it all just clicks into place.
And tomorrow Grandson and his GF are moving into their first flat tomorrow. Such a grown up, our boy.
OK, it's suddenly gone midnight and I'm due in the shop first thing. Hasta mañana amigos xxx

11:39 p.m. - 29.09.21

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