annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Eleven

1. It's hot. I've been swimming in the sea twice a day, drying my cozzie and towel in the car in between by draping them over the seat backs.

2. The queen wore a hat that was pretty much like the flag of the EU when she read the speech May made about leaving the EU. I still don't think queens and kings have any place in a world that knows we are all born the same, but I can't help liking it when they agree with me. Fuck May, what a nasty piece of work she is - the only thing in her favour is she's not bloody B Johnson

3. I am getting angrier, more judgemental, more critical and more unpleasant day by day. And I don't care, so fuck you.

4. My Sam is much the same (same as she was, not same as me), but needing more pain killers. She had only been needing a bit of paracetamol every day or so to top up the morphine patch but today it didn't work so she had more morphine. How can a small patch deliver a constant stream of morphine over 72 hours? It's like a nicotine patch, but still, magic really, innit?

5. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the counsellor at the hospice. I hope she can help - though what help can there be? She's not Mary fucking Poppins - there is no magic wand.

6. I worry about my pal Bert/Margaret. She used to show up in the stats but now the stats on d'land don't work - let's face it, nothing there works in the way you expect things to work, though we all kind of like that, but Bert was unwell last time I heard from her and I think of her often and hope she is fine.

7. Shit, now I'm doing ten things - have I got ten things to say? I'm eating a lot - it doesn't really offer any comfort but while I'm thinking about it I'm not thinking about unthinkable shit

8. I wore my old bikini on the beach today - this is related to 7 in that I am quite fat and don't care. When you are young and beautiful and trying to get changed under a towel on the beach you worry that people will stare and maybe see a nipple or an arse cheek. When you are old and fat a) you don't give a fuck what people you don't know think of you and b) they look away so you don't need to struggle with the towel. Win win, I believe is the phrase in the circs.

9. So. After the fire, people are homeless, obviously. There's a big block of flats, mainly luxury but with a social housing component (with a different entry etc so the rich won't have to be polluted by passing poor people on the stairs). These have been offered to some of those made homeless in the fire, the fire caused by disgraceful circumstances of official cost-cutting to the point of endangering and actually losing life, let us not forget, and suddenly all these cunts crawl out of the woodwork mouthing off about 'queue-jumping' and 'bringing down prices', due to some of them having brown skin, and all sorts of vileness. So quickly. I was shocked.

10. Glastonbury. We're not there. I feel it like another loss. The heat would have been unbearable without the sea to fall into, though. Nowhere to hide except tents. But still. Though if you offered me a lift I wouldn't go and I already had a free ticket, but still. You know? And Corbyn is going to speak from the Pyramid stage. Though he's coming here too and I won't bother going to see him - I don't like the personal admiration thing of him - I don't want him corrupted. He was a good constituency MP with no personal ambition beyond that and that's what has kept him straight and decent - being thrust into leadership rather than striving for it. But let's not push our luck, eh?

11. I just miss her. She's still here but I miss her. I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for her to get a fever as the first sign of the infection and every day that passes brings us one day closer and I CANNOT BEAR IT. All the time I'm not with her I worry and wish I was and wonder what I'm doing wasting time that could be spent with her when she'll be gone properly soon enough. When I'm with her I'm frozen. I just sit and hold her hand and look at her and call her my darling girl and stroke her face and wonder how I'll survive, if I'll survive.

Gratitudes. Hard, getting harder. I can write them but it's hard to feel them. Apart from the sea - I am grateful as fuck to live by the sea. So just that tonight. Authentic, not grudging. But also home, car, bed, family. There, I'm not a total git.

Night night.

 

1:02 a.m. - 22.06.17

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