annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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No

Too hard. Harder then ever. We're falling apart as a family under the pressure of what's happening and how we're all handling it or not handling it.

I went to a wedding on Saturday and found myself at a table next to someone who works at the hospice where my daughter was/is a patient - she's still under their care as she's officially still 'end of life'. This woman's reaction to me when I told her about Sam reminded me that this is a fucking tragedy. It's not within the normal range of hard shit you get in life - it wasn't when we thought she was about to die, but now we don't even know if she is or maybe isn't, it's actually harder and more fucking AWFUL. 

Like the wedding. The bride is an ex-student of mine and had asked me to do a reading during the service. It was going to be the bit 'On Marriage' from The Prophet, but at the last minute the vicar said it had to be something from the bible so I did the bit from Corinthians, "Love is patient and kind" and all that, then they wanted me to read the other before we started eating at the reception. Which was all very well, and I did feel quite honoured to have been asked, but a) I didn't know anyone at all apart from the bride who turned out to be quite busy on her wedding day and b) there was so much waiting while photos were taken - we all went from the church to the reception place while they went to the beach with the photographer, then later to the pier for more pics while we all sat around and I can't do sitting around and I can't do small talk, I just unravelled and then had a pimms and immediately felt pissed because I hardly ever drink. It was better after I spoke to that woman - I didn't break down but I did have a little wobble in my voice when I asked if we'd met there, which we hadn't - and I wasn't totally pretending to just be an ordinary person who wasn't broken-hearted and grief stricken. The readings went well,  but I am quite shy in that kind of set up - I couldn't persuade anyone to go with me to a wedding of a person they don't know, with me, Mrs Fucking Happy.

Me and YD are doing badly - neither of us has room any more for the other's fragility - we are both operating at capacity. She has stuff with her husband, I have my close friend with cancer, as well as mu dear blog friend with the same cancer, and it's all too scary and we're both too close to the edge. And it's Sam's birthday on Tuesday and I don't know how I will not just sob and weep and howl all day like a dog.

12:14 a.m. - 21.08.17

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