annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ma My notes for my homework are to brainstorm 1. memories of times that knocked my confidence when I was young and 2. what beliefs did I have about myself before I saw who Mum really was? and write about it. I don't know. It's all so long ago. I remember when a new Matron came to the boarding school she called me in to her sitting room and said, "Old Matron said I was to watch out for you as you're very naughty, but I think we'll get on very well. Would you like to come here every Thursday after prep and help me knit toys for the children's hospital?" There was no TV for us boarders, but she had one, on while we were chatting. Thursday after prep was 7.30, the time Top of the Pops was on. Yes please. But why did Old Matron say that? I wasn't very naughty. I know Mum had a load of sayings - nobody likes a big head. Your head will get so big it won't fit through the door. Clever clogs. Know it all. For a long time I just wanted her to love me and be nice to me like she was to the others (my half-siblings, her birth children) and I don't know if I can remember when it shifted or what I believed about myself, about why she was so consistently mean to me. I think fairy stories came into it, the concept of the wicked stepmother, but I can also remember quite clearly thinking that she wasn't wicked, that it would have been almost better of she had been, that I'd have grounds for complaint, which I didn't feel I did have as she wasn't wicked. So what did I think about myself then? I know I felt a big clumsy oaf. On meeting us three kids people would say to Brother, "Oh what lovely curly hair!" To Sister, "What lovely rosy cheeks!" To me, "Blimey, you're a big girl!" I stopped growing when I was eleven, by which age I was 5'9", stooped over to make myself as small as possible. It wasn't until I was a teacher that I realised I'm not unusually tall any more - there were loads of Y9 girls (aged 13-14) taller than me - very pleasing. When I was a dinner lady, before I became a teacher, there was a boy who'd grown too tall, much more so than me. He was about 5'6" when he was six, such a hard time he had. 12:27 a.m. - 06.06.23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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