annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Fit

Proper rest day. I dreamed of Sammie last night, strange dreams with bundles of reports, lots of words typed into boxes that I was too impatient to read, so in each one I just flicked through until I came to the conclusion, which wasn't what I wanted to see. The scene was somehow reminiscent of the day she died, with family and friends gathering, I felt that at this point in the dream, but she was lucid and cheerful and chatty, although her body was stiff and folded in the middle to enable her to sit on my lap, though she was an adult woman. Lots of stuff went on around us, but I was with her and she was fine and that was what counted.  When I woke I felt as if I'd had a visit from her, spent time with her and I wanted to keep that sense so I moved slowly so as not to let it dissipate too quickly. 


Sam didn't have long as an independent adult woman. By thirty she was beginning to lose capacity, so really she just had her twenties, a quarter of her life. I think of this sometimes.


Then Bloke came back from doing some IT job and talked about it, which was not ideal, but I did my best not to be too lacking in kindness, though truth be told, I just wanted him to shut the fuck up. He's halfway through his treatment now, just another fortnight to go. 


Later I went to the beach, the actual open beach, and swam with a bunch of women, and as ever, found myself standing up to my shoulders in water with a woman I'd never seen before, whose name I never learned, as she told me about the breakdown she'd had seven years ago. I'm glad I'm not a man. I know they have blah blah blah, but honestly, can you imagine talking about shit like politics, sport and cars in nearly all the conversations you have? Fuck that.


I'm going to try to get back to writing gratitudes and doing meditation. I did 170 consecutive days of meditation, missed one day so my 'run' went back to 1, and then stopped altogether. Madness. 


Today I am grateful for:  Being a woman. Living on the coast. Being quite fit - fit as in healthybeachmay27

12:32 a.m. - 28.05.23

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