annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Then

I'm struggling to write at the moment as I'm reading blogs from after the hospice. Terrible. These are some bits.


 1. I love the line: For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?


2. The community nurses came to refill the morphine syringe driver, as they do every morning. Morphine is a controlled drug so there's loads of hoo-ha and protocol. there was only enough for that day - none for the next - which was an error that needed to be rectified. The nurse got on the phone and started calling round. She started each call by giving her name, job title, Sam's name and address and then, in the same mechanical, speaking by rote, giving the necessary info tone of voice, "it's end of life care". 


I mean, I do know that, but emotionally I had forgotten. And I am crushed all over again. 


3. And I walk my three miles a day and sometimes swim in the sea – the beach is crap here for swimming – miles of rocky, sea-weedy shit, lurking invisibly under shallow water. OK at high tide but you have to catch it quick before it fucks off out again. I’ve given up everything else, more or less. I went to yoga yesterday but after about twenty minutes I was beside myself with anxiety about being so far away from Sam and actually walked out. Just stood up, mid downward-facing dog, walked off the mat, grabbed my glasses and fucked off back to the care home, leaving all the blocks and mat and shite where it was.


4, I am getting angrier, more judgemental, more critical and more unpleasant day by day. And I don't care, so fuck you.


5.  I just miss her. She's still here but I miss her. I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for her to get a fever as the first sign of the infection and every day that passes brings us one day closer and I CANNOT BEAR IT. All the time I'm not with her I worry and wish I was and wonder what I'm doing wasting time that could be spent with her when she'll be gone properly soon enough. When I'm with her I'm frozen. I just sit and hold her hand and look at her and call her my darling girl and stroke her face and wonder how I'll survive, if I'll survive.

12:27 a.m. - 13.05.23

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