annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Ouch, hurt

Easter. It means nothing to me. It used to be a good long weekend but now it's not even that. I did buy a couple of vastly over-priced Easter eggs, one for me, one for Daughter and I've eaten all of mine and do feel a bit sick.  This is probably part of the explanation for my stats at the end of my six week workouts programme. I started it weighing in at 87kg and now I'm 87.3kg and that was this morning before I ate half a ton of chocolate after a big roast dinner. 


I knew this period was going to be tricky and it is. I feel lonely mostly. I'm keeping going - today I swam and saw Daughter briefly, did yoga. Yesterday I persuaded Sis to come for a walk along the river, which was a mixed blessing as she doesn't do emotions at all and cuts me off if there's any danger of things getting raw. We did go and sit in the churchyard where we plan to inter Sam's ashes and chatted about that in a safe kind of way. It's a nice building, it's rural, very peaceful, easily accessible for us all, just need to heal the breach with Son and we can go ahead. 


That's the big thing, really. I don't know why he needs to separate from me like this. I mean, he's a grown man, 39 this year, he can clearly do what he likes and loads of people chose not to see their mothers much, but I felt we had a good relationship and now we have nothing so I was obviously wrong. Daughter says it's about him not me, but I don't see how that works. I don't see how I can be going along, being a decent human, a good enough mother and out of nowhere my son doesn't want to know me, wants some space between us. There must have been some incident to spark this, something I did or said, or failed to do or say, surely? Or I was wrong in my assessment of our good relationship, which seems most likely. I've known more than one person, when their partner has left them, wail, "But we were happy!" when clearly, they weren't both happy, or they wouldn't now be on their own. 


It hurts, that's the thing. It fucking hurts. 

12:36 a.m. - 10.04.23

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