annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Too long; don't read

Before I get on to what I'm grateful for today, I'm going to have a moan. Maybe two moans.


So. Tuesday art group. Still no teacher or member of staff to supervise us, just access to the zoom link for 90 minutes. There's a bloke, J, that comes most weeks. He's an affluent, professional, middle-aged, white man. He's taken it upon himself to choose the pictures the group will paint every week, despite the agreement to take it in turns - he just puts some up the day after the session, ready for the next week. So that pisses me off, not quite enough to choose other pictures and get into a row with him, especially as I've done my own thing mostly. But today he slid into the teacher role, in that fucking entitled assumption of authority vey familiar from men like him I've encountered all over the place. I was doing one of those tissue paper, gelli-print collages as a present for my pal MC's 70th birthday and I wasn't happy with it. Every time I asked for advice he was straight in telling me not to overthink it, talking over the others, who are all women and have all been hiding in a cupboard while feminism has crept along, making it possible for us to speak up for ourselves.  They all agree with him, always, whatever he says. So that pissed me off. 


Then, I went into my online bank to pay for therapy tomorrow and fucking hell, I've overspent again, bits of this and that which add up to there not being enough for me to pay for my food at MC's birthday meal this Saturday, in quite an upmarket restaurant. Well, I have a loan from the bank and I knew I could extend it, I could have another couple of grand to see me through, for not much more each month so I put in an online application. It took bloody ages because you have to answer loads of sodding questions about income and expenses which all needed looking up but yay, in the end I got there and they said yes, I could have it, just read this and this and this then 'sign' and the money will go through to your account. Yes! Result! But when I pressed the last button and the thing started whirling round in the middle of the screen, it didn't stop. It went on and on and on then said 'Something went wrong, please try again.' Which meant start right at the beginning again, bloody hell. Sigh. So I started back at the beginning and no, I hadn't made a note of anything so I had to calculate it all again. But I did it, didn't take up smoking again, I didn't kick the cat, I just plodded on and eventually I did it, pressed the last button and it went through! Hooray, thank fuck etc. Except, when the money went into the account, they'd given me miles too much. They'd given me what I'd asked for plus the amount I'd already borrowed and spent, making the total loan more than twice what it had been, with an equally increased, unpayable, repayment amount. 


Ah, Jeeeeez. If I'd thought filling in the application was long, it was northing compared to trying to get through to a real person on the phone, once I'd given up trying to find a way to express my reason for calling that the automated system could understand. They kept taking me back to the beginning, wanting my date of birth and my mother's maiden name, but no matter how many times I said my mother's maiden name they kept repeating the request for it, then for me to spell it, again and again and again and although it's not a common name like my own surname, it's not weird or unheard of, it's a fucking British surname, likewise my accent is just basic, middling, southern, like everyone else round here, so why can't they fucking understand it, the stupid bastard automated, voice activated, bollocksy fucking fucker??? So by the time I did get through to a real person, a real person with a clear voice on a good line, I started with a big jaggedy burst of sobbing and a totally incoherent account of what I'd done and what help I needed.


But we made it in the end, I think. And what I am most grateful for today is D, my acupuncturist, who I saw straight after, who calmed me right down, like she always does. And for C my yin yoga teacher doing a full moon class on a Tuesday night and that all's well that ends well. And tomorrow is another day. Etc etc. 

12:17 a.m. - 08.03.23

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