annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Weird shit indeed

I had my second session of emdr this morning and I'm going to record it here. We're staying with my childhood for a while, although there aren't many incidents as such, just a lot of nothing. So we stared with an image of myself as a small child and the one that came to mind was of me aged maybe six, seven, eight, with an awful wonky home haircut - an uneven fringe and shorter over one ear than the other - a horrible shiny, uncomfortable dress, sitting in a formless darkness, hunched over, hiding my face. We start the tapping, gently on the legs, one then the other, me following J's rhythm. What do you notice? is always the question. 

I notice that she's hiding, that she's 'she' not 'me'. Back we go, again and again, for short bursts.

  • She doesn't want to be disturbed, she wants to be left alone. What might she need? I don't know.

  • She's looking up - her face a blend of my sister's and my brother's. 

No, I can't remember it all, it's slipped away already. But we went on a journey and where the previous session had been like watching real life, this was all paintings and cartoons. At one point I wanted my birth mother so invited her in and she came and took me with her into a 1950s film set, black and white, with hats (she died in 1955). We walked together holding hands but I was behind and it looked like a cartoon - sometimes Christopher Robin holding Pooh's hand, sometimes the Disney Snow White holding a small person's hand. At one point I felt myself as a baby, held close, face against a soft bosom. I wanted my children so they all came, then my dad was there, diffidently asking if he could tag along - a younger Dad - he had a devastating car accident - a bus drove into his car in 1965 and changed the shape of his face forever, this was before then. We felt good, all good. Later J asked me to see how I could take the good feeling from then with me into the future. I was suddenly wearing a massive coat with many tiny pockets on the outside. I broke the 'good' into lots of pieces and filled the pockets with them. Then I took off, flying into the air with the coat  becoming wings that I could guide with my arms. I flew up and up, straight up until I became a massive tree, a huge, straight trunked tree like a sequoia with roots going deep into the ground and all the branches being my 'good'. It turned into a graphic, red on black, tall, with a long, long tail going deep into the ground.

There was also a part where I was walking in a very jaunty fashion along the edges of some fields in warm sunlight; later we all danced happily together. For a while I was like a Mabel Lucie Atwell drawing. When I scanned my body at the end my middle section felt like there was a party goin on, with dancing again, and clashing of glasses together, 'cheers!' arms coming our of the sides as if there was a barley contained celebration bursting out. After a while it quietened down and 'they' all went to sleep. 

Then we were done and I was exhausted. I've mainly slept since but now it's late and I'm awake. This is weird shit, but it feels like a good thing to be doing, somehow.


11:12 p.m. - 16.11.22


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