annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Better
That incident on the beach that I wrote about in my last post had a much bigger effect on me than I would have predicted. I was kind of OK on Sunday, but then yesterday I had mega-anxiety on and off all day and didn't manage to shake it off at all.
Writing group was good, although I wrote something that made me cry when I read it out, but everyone was kind and said it had moved them too. The next two bits we did really cheered me up, but then I got in my car to drive to M's and instantly lost it again and so it went all day and then again into today.
It wasn't helped by more and more patches of these pre-cancerous lesions popping up all over my face and arms. Honestly, I wonder sometimes how many of these pre-cancerous ones will there be before it all goes cancerous and if it does, will it be curable? Because on Sunday afternoon there was another one on my face, big and red and sudden - it hadn't been there when I cleaned my teeth in the morning - how can that happen?
I'd booked to go for a swim with the Mental Health Swimming Group on Monday morning, but it was windy as fuck so I didn't go as the sea would be too high again. (It's the swell, I've learned. That's what they call the height of the waves.) But it wasn't, I later learned, it was flat as a fucking pancake, but how can that be? The wind was flattening the bloody plants in my garden, a mere mile and a half from the sea so how could the sea be flat? But I wouldn't have gone in anyway as I was all jittery and doom-laden.
Today we did art group on zoom without a teacher, all just getting on with our own stuff. I did loads of gelli prints which wasn't great as it lacked the soothing focus you get from concentrating on one thing. I'm still mainly doing backgrounds which I like but I still haven't got the hang of adding an image to make it a focal point. Apart from leaves, like this:
I shot off to acupuncture, admitted to feeling wobbly and horrid, had a session then when I came out the sky was blue, the air was still and I thought fuck it, and went in the sea, quick, before I could change my mind. And it was lush. And the red mark on my face was a graze from the beach when I kept getting knocked down and now there's a bruise as well:
That was what I needed though, to get back in, quick, like getting back on a horse. It was cold, still in a good way, and flat and calm and lovely. I floated about a bit, calmed down, drove home, made chicken soup, felt exhausted. I's very tiring being anxious but I think it might have passed.
Someone linked me up to an app that tells you what the well is and as tomorrow it'll be fuck all again, I'm going to get back in that sea. Hell yeah xxx
12:20 a.m. - 12.10.22
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