annanotbob2's Diaryland
Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me, me, me
I slept for two hours this afternoon and it seems to have left me more tired, not less.
I've just made a pan bagnat, which is a delicious French picnic bread, filled with, basically, a nicoise salad, without potatoes. You cut a big roll or small loaf in half horizontally, pull out most of the soft bread (and put it in the freezer to use in Glamorgan sausages on Friday) then scrape a cut clove of garlic over the inside of the crust, drizzle it generously with extra virgin olive oil then pile delicious items onto the lower half. Tomatoes, basil, tuna, hard boiled eggs, olives, salad leaves, roasted and skinned red pepper and all its juices, cucumber. Anchovies as well, but we didn't have any. Splash a bit of wine vinegar over, a dash of salt and pepper and pop the lid back on. Wrap in foil and leave in the fridge under a plate bearing some weights. I used the weights off my old scales plus a tin of lentils. By tomorrow, back to room temperature it should be perfect for me and Daughter to eat at the Open Air Theatre, where we have tickets for a stand-up comedy show, of mostly gay local comics, all big names nationally. I'm looking forward to it very much.
Today's therapy card (from The Trauma Deck, since you asked), asks me to complete these sentences:
- I am... well, that's a bloody question isn't it? How do I define myself? I always find this hard - I'd like to answer it on a circle, so nothing came first. But here goes, this is me today. I am an older woman, a bereaved mother, whose two remaining children aren't speaking to each other, which saddens me greatly. I am a survivor of many traumatic events, the death of my birth mother when I was a baby, a cold, uncaring step-mother, rape, physical assault - of the grievous bodily harm type - and the death of my daughter as well as the deaths of my brother and too many, far too many, of my close friends over the years, before their times. I try to keep my head above water with all this, using therapy, yoga, mindfulness and god knows what else to help me. I'm creative - I write, paint, knit, cook, and used to garden creatively as well. I'm clever. It's taken me years to feel OK to say this, but I am. I'm a white woman, with all the benefits that brings, or the lack of aggro being non-white brings, and I'm mostly able-bodied - a bit broken right now but OK for 68. I'm English, currently a shameful nationality, with a government that needs to be rounded up and imprisoned for crimes against human decency. Yes, I'm a lefty, a feminist, a believer in the equal value of all human beings, with very few exceptions. Retired teacher. Used to work in bars and cafes and shops as well. Have been a cleaner, though never for long as I don't see dirtiness the way others do, especially those who employ cleaners.
- People and relationships are... and make me feel... Oh bloody hell. People are what life is about. When relationships are good, life is good, when they aren't, it isn't. I believe in the saying that a parent can only be as happy as their least happy child. This is me now. I've lost too many people, too many who I loved and imagined would be with me for many more years. I had a phase of almost wanting to send prospective new friends for a medical as I thought I couldn't bear any more cancer, but that's not how it goes. I'm no longer so much at the mercy of other people's opinions of me, but I'm not as free as I'd like. Relationships are hard. People are all different, more different than we imagine - it's too easy to assume we know what they're thinking when we don't. The best times in life are always shared experiences. This is one of my sadnesses, that Bloke and I don't share anything, that I have no one to do things with like go away for a few days. But I am lucky and blessed with good friends, most of whom are in robust good health, thank fuck.
- The world is... I think you get the world back that you put out there. By which I mean that if you think it's shit and expect the worst of people you will generally have less of a good time than if you maintain a friendly approach. People are hardly ever mean to me, probably because I'm always polite and friendly in my interactions. I think most people are good and kind although quite a lot are appallingly ignorant and some of those won't shut up (thinking of the blokes in my Tuesday art group who could shut the fuck up every now and then and no one would mind). I don't think there's a god directing events, I think it's all random cause and effect, complicated and unpredictable, but that we are moving in the right direction, albeit with lots of stops and reversals along the way. A hundred years ago it was assumed by everyone that some people were more worthy than others, mainly rich white straight men, and while most of the power is still in the hands of such people, we have an International Universal Declaration of Human Rights - the very existence of which would once have been unthinkable. It may take another hundred years to have any widespread reality, but we're moving in the right direction. I think the decent majority will always be at risk of persecution by the unscrupulous, greedy minority, but I hope that one day greed will be on the list of mental illnesses that are a danger to yourself and others.
12:35 a.m. - 14.07.22
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
previous - next
|
|
|
|
|
|