annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hard I seem to be half watching a programme about the history of Eurovision, god knows why as it's not remotely my thing. In other news there's quite a sizable moth flapping around the lamp, which used to be an inevitable consequence of having a window open after dark, but hasn't happened for ages, so though I don't like it, it's a good thing. I suppose. It's a depressing time to be alive, I'm finding. Having a government so indifferent to the struggles they've inflicted on the poorest members of our society is bad enough but the shit they come out with has been making me feel like lying down and weeping. We'd have liked to give an increase in Universal Credit but the IT system won't allow it. Who do they think we are? Seeing that journalist's funeral cortege being attacked. The festival is on and it's mostly very earnest, worthy, political (with a small p) events and I can't manage it at all, I just can't. There's a fabulous wooden structure that's been erected on the lawns where I often go, that's hosting free events for the whole month of the festival. As I walked nearby this afternoon, a guy was handing out programmes for the month. I took one and he told me that right then there were Ukrainian people telling their stories - that I could sit at a table and hear what they have to say about what they have experienced this year. He gestured across, but I couldn't even look and said, I'm sorry, I can't manage that. He looked at me with such scorn that I kind of shrivelled up. I told myself that he could fuck off, he doesn't know me or anything about me, but he was right, what I've been through is nothing compared to what they have. And I've felt like shit ever since, though I also think it's not top trumps, there's not a competition about who's had the most trauma, but I find I don't believe it. I'm meant to be spending this time building up a sense of myself as, I dunno, legal decent honest and truthful or whatever it is, but I feel like a selfish, privileged, self-centred lazy fucker. 12:36 a.m. - 14.05.22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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