annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Poppy
We did Georgia O'Keeffe today in art group and although it's clearly not perfect, I'm really pleased with my poppy:
The group itself was quite annoying, although differently annoying from last week. The teacher had obviously given thought to my comment about only being able to work fast (what I call the bish bash bosh school of painting) and gave me enough help to keep going at my preferred pace. So that was fine, but instead we had Mr Expert getting on my nerves. He's a client, same as the rest of us, but luckily he knows everything and is quite happy to share that knowledge. The rest of the class are women, apart from two other men, both of whom suffer from anxiety and would never challenge Mr E, so he holds forth, hogging the zoom, especially the screens of those of us without gallery view, just speaker view. He congratulates the teacher on her choices and her work as if he's a fucking Ofsted inspector. Usually there are two of them but the other one couldn't make it this week - he's usually the alpha so this one had moved up into his space. I can't believe I'm the only person in this group with any kind of feminist sensibility. Fuckers.
Anyway, what else? I had my hair cut, and as my fringe grows too fast I asked her to cut it really short and now it looks crap, so that'll teach me.
It's therapy tomorrow and I still haven't managed to write about the 'detached protector'. I googled it and found loads, but the bit that struck me was about the stages of schema therapy: 1) emotional bonding 2) get round the detached protector 3) heal abandoned vulnerable child 4) banish punitive parent 5) channel angry child effectively 6) develop healthy adult. So I can see where we are and I can see where we're going but I don't know how we get there. Get round the detached protector - how? It thinks it's helping me, protecting me, by switching my attention elsewhere each time I think of it, by keeping my mind on other things so I don't even remember to think of it. Hey, DP - I'm all right now! I'd be even better if you'd back off a bit. I'm not an unloved little girl any more, I'm an old woman, quite a well-loved old woman if all accounts are to be believed and I could be enjoying this phase of my life a lot more if you'd let me. Emotions aren't going to kill me. They haven't so far. I've made a big effort not to be an addict so it's a bit crap having you taking charge and making me numb anyway.
That's my lot for tonight.
Today I am grateful for being able to peacefully choose not to try to walk three miles because I'm knackered. This is progress.
Buenos noches, darlings. Thank you for reading xxx
12:44 a.m. - 23.02.22
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