annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Sundown

I'm here to write, though I don't feel as if I have anything to say, which sometimes leads to good entries but other times to just blathering on. Naked Attraction is on in the background - a wall of shaved fannies - they look like children - why do I watch this shit? Probably because by the time I'm ready to write I can't quite manage the silence and I am fascinated as it seems like another world to me. I was quite a shagger in my youth but I'm bloody glad I'm not out there now. I'm done with all that and pleased to not have any interest in any of it. I know in some ways this is a good time to be on the hunt as you can find those that suit you and there are old blokes looking for old women but I don't care. I'm done. 


Didn't go to writing group this morning and no one checked in to see if I'm OK, fuckers. They've got a triggering storyline on Eastenders at the moment which I didn't recognise as such until this evening, when yet again Ben is thrown back into the memory of having the shit kicked out of him - the first time this happened, years ago, his boyfriend was killed, the second time he froze and was unable to help his husband and it's really disturbed him. The story has been simmering along for a bit but until it happened to me I didn't quite get that this was what was going on, for me and for fictional Ben. They get stuck into some good storylines - even now though they're filming under social distancing rules they're still putting out almost two hours of material a week, and we're used to them not touching now, even when they're meant to be in lurve. So, I'm still fucked up but that's OK, it's how it goes. 


The car came back all mended and not as expensive as I'd feared which is a massive relief. I felt crushed by that, unable to summon up coherent thoughts or even listen properly when things were explained to me. I'd really try for a bit but my mind would just click off, like an inner voice was saying, 'Too hard, not listening, blah blah blah, can't hear you,' until they'd finished at which point I nodded and paid and smiled and said, 'Thanks mate, hope I don't see you for a while,' and drove off into the sunset. Really, look:sunsetPretty wild, wasn't it? 


I made it to the museum painting group and did another house. I might to some collage if I can remember to put some stuff in my bag. house3


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I want to write about what's happening in politics because it's astonishingly awful, Trumpish in its absolute disregard for any sense of honour or decency, but I can't, I just can't. 


Today I am grateful for getting a lot of knitting done, off the phone plenty.


Night night xx

1:35 a.m. - 29.01.22

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