annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Still

Started on Sunday:

I took the Grandson and his Girlfriend to Ikea today. It took all day and I feel I should have earned a gold star at the very least though they did buy me meatballs and chips and later a coffee on the way home. What can I say? I liked spending the day with my boy - I feel so proud of him, living his life, getting on with his shit but being with other people trying to choose things is hard and dull, especially when they only want things that are in neutral colours and ended up having intense debates over shades of beige while I tried to stay nice and just wanted to go home. And there we were in fucking Ikea, where everyone is meant to be wearing a mask and half of them aren't - no not half but a significant minority. And you can't maintain the distance when you're in a place like that.

Gave up and went to bed, continued on Monday:

This came up on Facebook memories, still true:

So this has been National Grief Awareness Week and here are some thoughts.
I know I'm not alone in being devastated by the death of someone I feel I can't live without, who leaves a hole in my life that can never be filled. We've all lost people we love - death is indeed a part of life but it seems to be invisible in our world.
I wish we still had formal ways of expressing our status as grievers. I would like to wear black forever or at least for a fixed number of years and to know that other people I saw out and about wearing black had also lost someone very close. I feel I would stand next to them, we'd catch each other's eyes, maybe blink in acknowledgement, and lower our heads, but not need to say anything.
Other people would understand that the floods of tears weren't really about losing a pencil, but that somehow any loss, no matter how trivial, can somehow unleash all the sadness and hopelessness we try to keep reined in.
That information slides in and out of my head without taking root - really annoying to us all. You tell me stuff and I forget it at once - not always but far too often. I can become overwhelmed with hatred of anyone, everyone (not you, obviously, but every other fucker, especially those with living, healthy children and with brothers they take for granted). Thinking is impossible - my brain shuts right down when challenged to make a choice - where shall we eat? Christ, I don't know.
On other days there's numbness. I can't remember that I ever felt anything and I'm scared that my poor girl has gone and is already forgotten by her stupid mother.
Mostly it's about distraction, Get up, keep busy. Do stuff all day, sleep, wake up, do it again. Walk, take photos, read, play scrabble, scroll endlessly through my phone.
This has been a bad week. I hope yours has been better.

Today I am grateful for a lovely rainbow after the rain

9:54 p.m. - 05.12.21

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