annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Air signs, innit

If there's one thing I'm learning in therapy, it's that I don't let any feelings, either good or bad, surface for more than a moment or two before getting all intellectual on their arse. Part of me thinks, well fuck, I'm Gemini with Aquarius rising, what else am I gonna do? But actually it isn't serving me well so I'm trying to shift it about a bit. Not so fucking easy, I tell you.

I was invited to write about Sammie this week (by my therapist) and to check in with my feelings at least once a day. My feelings have basically said, fuck off and leave us alone. Which is OK at times. I went for a walk on the downs this afternoon and I could see rain was likely but I couldn't be arsed to take my long mac, so tied a showerproof jacket round my waist. When I was just over a mile away from the car, out on the hills, in the middle of a field with no trees around, the heavens opened with quite cold heavy rain. I was soaked through to the skin, with a long wet dress flapping against my bare legs, but I didn't really mind. A bit. Maybe one on a scale of one to ten. So it's not all bad. But where's the joy? You can't selectively numb yourself, that's the problem. All or nothing.

I don't know what to write about Sammie. I feel detached from her in many ways - detached from the Sammie that was there before the MS ate her away. That was just so long ago, I only have odd snippets of memory and they're too defined by photos.

I'm going to ask my subconscious mind to bring some to the surface for tomorrow and I'll try again then.

Today I was grateful for free blackberries that I made into a crumble. Yesterday I was grateful for Grandson as we had lunch together and he was just bright and funny and kind and all round delightful, which he always has been. Bless him.

Keep safe xxx

12:06 a.m. - 08.08.21

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