annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Bad dreams and orange bench

Today was hard at first - I had really intense dreams where Daughter and Sister kept replacing each other until I was totally confused and desperately trying to appease whichever one of them it was. I find I do get confused as my family of origin was (mostly, after my stepbrother left home when I was very small), me plus a younger half-brother and half-sister, then my kids were an elder daughter and her younger half-brother and half-sister, both lots known as the littl'uns. Everything seems so long ago. Ah well.

I dragged myself to the walk with the recovery centre crew, along the river bank, over the old toll bridge, back down the other side and over the road bridge, all very pleasant in the sunshine, chatting with my fellow mentalists. Afterwards I went with D to see an installation that's part of the Brighton festival - a bright orange bench that gets shifted a mile or two along the coast every few days and has audio stuff installed so you can listen to people who live and/or work on the coast talking about their lives and what the sea means to them, interspersed with a choir signing Blow the Wind Southerly very beautifully. It was fabulous - when we got there there were already quite a few people sitting on or around the bench, listening - an old man, a young family with two small children, an old woman in a wheelchair with her younger daughter in running kit. We sat on the shingle listening, visualising being out on a fishing boat in a storm, or watching a Punch and Judy show fifty years ago. It felt very enriching. She's the same age as my grandson, is D, but we do well.

Then home to yoga and chilling in front of the telly. Good programme on about ultra processed food - by definition food full of ingredients you wouldn't find in a domestic kitchen - and how it alters the hormones so that you feel more hungry but less full. Shocking. We hardly eat any to be honest - bread - shop bought bread is full of shit - and mayonnaise, ditto. We're eating a lot of mayo since we developed our current enthusiasm for slaw - just about any vegetable grated or shredded - but I need to not get obsessed about this - my diet is healthy as fuck.

I've thought about Little Anna a lot today. I don't know what to do to help heal the wounds of a neglectful childhood, but I guess that's why I'm in therapy. There's little Anna and a critical parent, among others, but I think I quite like the critical parent. That's the one who makes me walk and do yoga and eat well, when I feel like sleeping all day and only eating chips. Not all bad, by any means.

Three good things
1. A passing bloke took a great picture on my phone of me and D sitting on the orange bench. I wish I knew how to upload it, but I don't.
2. Today was warm and felt summery - it was great to go out and not need a coat, not even for just in case
3. There's only one active covid case in Worthing right now. Hope, real hope that we might be coming to the end of this.

xxx

11:15 p.m. - 27.05.21

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