annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Not even very nice cake

To therapy this morning, talk talk talk. I'm never short of words - I see links and make connections. We're at the preliminary stage, telling my stories, building a picture before we start the actual therapy. I make sure to pause and shut up every now and then so that she can guide the conversation with questions which today took us to areas I had buried. I can't even remember what she asked that led me to recounting the story of SC and M, the lesbian couple I spent most of my time with for a few years when I lived in Brighton - we had an allotment together. SC and I had been teachers together, our classrooms next door to each other. We both sloped off for a fag at lunchtimes, both smoked grass (hardly ever at school, obvs). They were both younger than me by about fifteen years and much more techno - they arranged the sponsored walk to get Sam the wheelchair accessible vehicle when she lost the ability to weight bear. We fell out when I was feeling suicidal and my counsellor had advised me to reach out, to not just sit and hate myself for not having the nerve to go through with it, but to tell someone about it. So I called SC who came round but then told me that frankly I needed to get my head round the fact that Sam was dying and not go on about it so much. I actually apologised, though I did ask her to leave then hacked all my hair off with a kitchen knife and tried to swallow all the pills I could find but chickened out and called 999. It took me about four days to realise what a cuntish thing that was to say. I walked away from the pair of them and have never regretted it.

When I thought we'd finished, the therapist, J, drew a plan for me of how she saw things. There are different aspects - I get into "critical parent mode" a lot of the time, at war with my emotions which are often experienced and/or supressed as "vulnerable little Anna". Gosh. Vulnerable little Anna - what does she need? J thinks there is a better way ahead for me if we go into this together, side by side, in partnership. It's all pretty huge to me, right now. She's going to try and make the rest of the day easier so I don't always go straight off and eat a big plate of fried food, though I did again today. And had cake later, not even very nice cake.

11:22 p.m. - 26.05.21

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